Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

It was about an Aussie and a Kiwi.

[Torneyboy]

I knew ..just seeing if you were on top of things

[Flashermac]

Today in history ...

 

 

It was March 6, 1836. Davy Crockett awoke and rose from the floor of the Alamo, where 183 Texans were gathered. He walked to an observation post on the west wall of the mission.

 

William Butler Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. They gazed at the horde of more than 7000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

 

With a puzzled look on his face, Davy turned to Bowie. He said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

 

 

 

[Man at Work]

Don't get it! Somebody please explain to a kraut!

 

MaW

[teddy]

Most gardeners in Texas these days are illegal Mexican immigrants.

[Man at Work]

Thanks!

[The_Munchmaster]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

 

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that youâ??re from Ireland.

 

The other man responds 'Yis Oi am so I am.'

 

The first guy says, 'So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?'

 

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

 

The first guy responds, 'Sure and begora, and so am I.

 

And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

 

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

 

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world, so did I. So did I.

 

And to what school would you have been going?'

 

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

 

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

 

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964.'

 

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.'

 

About this time, a fella walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

 

Brian, the bartender, walks over to der fella, shaking his head and mutters. 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

 

The fella says, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

 

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

[The_Munchmaster]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

 

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

 

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

 

'Very good!'

 

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

 

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

 

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

 

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

 

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

 

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

 

'General Custer, 1862.'

 

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

 

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

 

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

 

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S*ck this!'

 

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

 

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifyinG against him, 2004.'

 

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone Said, 'Oh shit, we're f*cked!'

 

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

[The_Munchmaster]

The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way, British weather has been declared Muslim.

 

It's either Sunni or Shiite!!

[The_Munchmaster]

An Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

 

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

 

Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi."

 

Kiwi: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

 

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

 

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

 

Kiwi: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Villager)

 

Dog: "Yep"

 

Kiwi: "How does he treat you?"

 

Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food. And takes me to the lake once a week to play."

 

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

 

Kiwi: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

 

Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

 

Kiwi: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

 

Horse: "Cool"

 

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

 

Kiwi: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

 

Horse: "Yep"

 

Kiwi: How does he treat you?

 

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements."

 

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

 

Kiwi: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

 

Aussie: (in a panic) "The sheep's a feckin' liar.."