25 Reasons You Might Be a Liberal

[Flashermac]

by John Hawkins

 

 

* You're convinced the US Constitution explicitly guarantees the right to abortion and gay marriage, but not the right to own firearms.

 

* You think Dan Quayle is the dumbest Vice-President we ever had because he believed a flash card that misspelled "potato," but think Obama is a genius despite the fact he said we have more than 57 states.

 

* You'd be more upset about your favorite candidate being endorsed by the NRA than the Communist Party.

 

* You think the same criminals who use guns in breaking the law will hand them over to comply with the law if guns are made illegal.

 

* You know that 86% of all income taxes are paid by the top 25% of income earners and you still feel that the rich "aren't paying their fair share of the taxes."

 

* You put a higher priority on oil pipelines possibly inconveniencing a few caribou than you do on lowering the price of gas for everyone in the country by drilling ANWR.

 

* You're worried that Osama Bin Laden might not get a fair trial if we capture him, but want George Bush thrown in prison for being too zealous in trying to protect us from Al-Qaeda.

 

* You get infuriated when you hear about the CEO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions of dollars, but don't see a problem with actors, athletes, or trial lawyers making the same amount.

 

* You're constantly seeing subtle, coded racism in campaign ads, but see nothing racist about minorities being promoted over more qualified white applicants because of Affirmative Action.

 

* You think it's obscene that oil companies are allowed to make 8.3 cents per gallon in profit with gas prices this high, but would never suggest cutting the 13 cents per gallon they pay on taxes to reduce the price of gas.

 

* You think George Bush is a chickenhawk because he only served in the National Guard, but you don't think the same about Barack Obama, who has never served in the military.

 

* You think protesting outside of abortion clinics is extremism and should be illegal, but carrying around giant puppet heads while wearing a t-shirt that compares Bush to Hitler is just exercising your First Amendment rights.

 

* You think the case for global warming is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if capitalism and free markets work better than socialism.

 

* You believe the best way to fix the government screwing something up in the market is with more government intervention.

 

* You think the first thing we should have done when Russia invaded Georgia was to take the matter to the United Nations, where Russia has a veto on the UN Security Council.

 

* You spend your days criticizing the use of private jets, SUVS, and luxurious houses that consume enormous amounts of resources and then ride in an SUV to the airport, get on your private plane, and fly home to your luxurious house.

 

* You have more nice things to say about countries like Cuba and China than you do about your own country.

 

* You think the war in Iraq is unwinnable, but victory in the war on poverty is going to happen any day now if we can just get the Democrats back in charge.

 

* You don't support English as our national language, but can't seem to understand why people worry about tens of millions of illegal aliens changing our culture.

 

* You think censorship is absolutely wrong - except when it's applied to conservatives on campuses or on talk radio via the fairness doctrine.

 

* You get more upset about an American soldier accidentally killing a civilian than you do about a terrorist deliberately blowing up a school bus full of kids.

 

* You think Fox News is hopelessly biased to the right, but MSNBC, CNN, NBC, ABC, and CBS call it right down the middle.

 

* You think the real hero of the Cold War was Mikhail Gorbachev.

 

* You couldn't care less about what Americans in states like Kansas or Virginia think of you, but you would be greatly upset if a Frenchman gave you a dirty look because you're an American.

 

* You think kids in public schools should have to watch *Earth in the Balance* and read *Heather Has Two Mommies*, but no piece of literature with the word "God" in it should be allowed within a hundred yards of a school.

 

 

[Julian2]

I keep telling you Flash, you don't have liberals or leftists in America, only people who are less far to the right than others.

(Sorry I forgot about Pete Seeger).

[Neo]

You know that 86% of all income taxes are paid by the top 25% of income earners and you still feel that the rich "aren't paying their fair share of the taxes."

Yep, it's funny how many people you hear claiming the middle class actually pay the most.

 

[Bangkoktraveler]

I told you before I am left handed.

[..]

I know that's supposed to be humour, but really Frash. That's got more holes and lies in it than Nixon's explanation of the missing 18 minutes.

 

Cheerts,

SD

[Faustian]

Flash is being ironic I'm sure, exposing the idiotic mindset of conservatives, who seem to think this is how liberal types actually think!

 

Nice piece of irony there Flash. Way to go.

[..]

You Might Be a Conservative

by Chris Gladish

 

* You listen to the Rush Limbaugh show the same way your kid watches "Barney and Friends"

 

* You believe an adulterer who served his wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital and later had to be taken to court for lack of child support payments named Newt when he talks about how he's for "Family Values"

 

* You complain about the "liberal media" on any of the numerous conservative political TV/radio talk shows.

 

* You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wessen"

 

* You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

 

* You believe the Holocaust to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

 

* You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings with a vodka straight in hand.

 

* You believe the Constitution states the Christianity is our official religion.

 

* You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television...oops, my mistake... that's "You might be Newt Gingrinch if.."

 

* You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.

 

* If you fit any of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..."

 

* You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon imaginable.

 

* You actually believe that people actually own AK-47's for "hunting purposes"

 

* You have faith in idiotic economic policies such as "trickle down economics"

 

* You don't see why everyone's so down on Mark Fuhrman.

 

* You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the least.

 

* The hostess at the Sizzler knows you by name.

 

* You have a button that says "I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone"

 

* You can ask your daddy to bail you out when you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars from embezzling S&L's

 

* Your main source for news is an egocentric man named Rush who distorts facts consistantly to fit his views and opinions.

 

* You want to find another out-of-work actor to play the figurehead for the Republican party (perhaps Bonzo's free)

 

* Your response to anything Bill Clinton says includes a reference to Arkansas hillbillies.

 

* You still attempt to defend Dan Quayle's intelligence.

 

* You get offended if someone is unusually quiet on the way to a funeral...oops, sorry, my fault again... thats another "You might be Newt Gingrinch..."

 

* You refuse to talk to your sister because she's a lesbian... dangit, sorry...once again, another "You might be Newt..."

 

* You obsessively impose your own morality upon others.

 

* You wish to rewrite the first commandment to make desecration of the flag illegal (and here, you thought you were such a good Christian...)

 

* You believe that if parents and teachers don't mention sex to a child until s/he is 25, then s/he won't even know it exists until then.

 

* You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.

 

* You must first don rubber gloves before shaking hands with a homosexual.

 

* You attribute the lack of close families to Murphy Brown.

 

* You helped to ban Beavis from saying "fire", yet keep a loaded handgun in the house (doesn't matter if it's hidden.. your kid knows where it is, trust me.)

 

* You have a sticker saying "Guns don't kill people, people do" (and I suppose those little bullet things are harmless too)

 

* You believe that everyone else should hold the same moralistic and political views as you, and by God, you're going to see to it that they do!

 

and finally...

 

* You believed anything on the previous "You might be a liberal if..." list.

 

Cheers,

SD -- figured he'd post some distortions too

[Bangkoktraveler]

Don't Conservatives wear white robes and carry crosses?

 

I sorta like Conservatives. When they get pissed off, they get all confused and start calling me Gos's son. Everybody knows the Romans strung him up about 20 centuries ago.

[Al]

"Finally a guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking. Just like as a

conservative white guy, the burden is on me to prove to you I've neither blown up a

federal building with a fertilizer bomb nor blown a gay hooker in the mens room at Denny's."

--Jon Stewart,

[Old Hippie]

"...* You get infuriated when you hear about the CEO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions of dollars, but don't see a problem with actors, athletes, or trial lawyers making the same amount..."

 

 

The CEO's often cook the books or make it off the backs of the workers, who were forced to take cuts to save their jobs/company, example, most of the airlines!