Top Tips

[candyfloss]

RAPPERS : Instead of saying 'know what I mean' after every sentence, just speak properly in the first place.

 

HOMELESS PEOPLE : Lighten your load by not buying a dog.

 

CHINESE PEOPLE : Improve your chopstick performance by simply carving one into three equal points, and fashioning a serrated edge on the other.

 

BURGLARS : When fleeing from the Police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees in case they set one of their dogs on you.

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Some excellent tips there Flossie :thumbup:

 

Although I'm not sure if homeless people actually buy their dogs, I think the dogs are also homeless.

[Guest lazyphil]

VIZ TOP TIPS

 

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They

will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

J B Cartland, Brighton.

 

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker

"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be

dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

J. T., Thropton.

 

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your

chin into a bowl of iron filings.

B Villbens, Birmingham.

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously

"erased."

Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

 

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to

guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble

dispenser at cocktail parties.

L Traintu, Clarkesville.

 

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.

It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

 

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding

under the covers.

Charles Holley, Newcastle.

 

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an

empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.

 

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each

pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and

receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

 

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking

them to wrap it.

D. Treloar, Wandsworth.

 

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an

ideal "car" for snakes.

G. Dorson, Skipton.

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and

grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

 

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film

and press them into your eyes.

D. Stokes, Middlesex.

 

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

P.J. Ruddock, London.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply

changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

 

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about

4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat

tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to

the object you wish to view.

S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

 

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa

anytime by just turning on the tap.

Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.

 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully

refreshed and on time.

Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

 

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever

you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two

plastic buckets.

D. Griffiths, Kent.

 

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and

talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,

or set fire to someone else's house.

Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

 

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the

tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have

sex without waking her up.

Frank Wilson, Southend.

 

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're

shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra

girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,

because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-

arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

D Thresher, Wapping.

 

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen

chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in

every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of

the escaping gas.

N. Burke, Manchester.

 

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we

smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in

such emergencies.

Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case

a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up

the road.

D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

 

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle

East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British

Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a

few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any

planes home.

S Goblin, Middlesex.

 

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your

head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide

out.

Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

 

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,

instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.

M Burridge, Newcastle.

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

P Raker, Chatham.

 

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and

attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be

worn around the neck.

B Morgan, Criccieth.

 

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

D Duckham, Didford.

 

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative

to sun-bed treatments.

Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating

cakes again.

P Loft, Gateshead.

 

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.

The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have

completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Mike Grey, Essex.

 

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by

steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

T.C. Jackson, York.

 

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply

gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

 

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!

Toffee.

A. Sharp, Birmingham.

 

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by

making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each

temple.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a

few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and

easier to smuggle into the toilet.

Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

 

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal

coat hanger in an emergency.

Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your

intended destination in the first place.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse

neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player

during a powercut.

Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

 

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you

on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the

blame.

Bastien Phelp, Bath.

 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over

any that you catch in the act.

W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

 

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe

and a cricket ball.

I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

 

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn

back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

 

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with

a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off

the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic

and dangerous landings.

Neil Davis, e-mail.

 

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding

irons.

J.T. Thropton.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

 

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The

Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their

holes.

J.T. Thropton.

 

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down

the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in

your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

Simone Glover, Tottenham.

 

 

[BelgianBoy]

I just wasted 7 minutes to read all that :thumbup:

[WorldFun]

i wasted more!

[unit731]

Yes ... but back to the homeless dog.

 

Yes, Mr. Master, the dog may be homeless, but the dog still needs food, clothing, and shelter.

 

And . . . yes, I dress up my little 'Muffin' (dog) up with the fanciest of clothing!

[Bangkoktraveler]

Buy KY stock!

[candyfloss]

Lazyphil,

 

Alas, not much enthusiasm from the members.

 

We best not start with the Profanosaurus.

[Faustian]

My top tip, for this and any year..

 

Never sponsor a BG.

[shygye]

Don't eat the [color:yellow]snow[/color].