Paraprosdokians

[huumlaar]

PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)

Here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

 

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

 

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

 

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

 

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is congress

 

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

 

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

 

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

 

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

 

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

 

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

 

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.

[kamui]

[baa99]

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

[Coss]

 

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" written on it...so I said "Implants?"

Americans choose between two people for president but among fifty for Miss America.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. —Oscar Wilde

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing...after they have tried everything else." —Winston Churchill

"On his feet he wore ... blisters." —Aristotle

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx

In the morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I don't know. —Groucho Marx

One thing you mustn't miss when you are in Nome—the plane!

[Wallenda]

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

 

I've seen this one attributed to the old 40s/50s Yankees catcher Yogi Berra, known for having a knack for blurting out this kind of head-slapping quote. Some of his most famous:

 

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

 

It ain't over till it's over.

 

There are hundreds of them. It's not quite Winston Churchill territory though.

 

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/y/yogi_berra.html

[kamui]

I've seen this one attributed to the old 40s/50s Yankees catcher Yogi Berra, known for having a knack for blurting out this kind of head-slapping quote. Some of his most famous:

 

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

 

It ain't over till it's over.

 

There are hundreds of them. It's not quite Winston Churchill territory though.

 

http://www.brainyquo...yogi_berra.html

 

Another one:

 

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.