Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
bust

Any New Jokes

Recommended Posts

A duck walks into a bar and says "excuse me barman can I have a beer and a sandwich please".

 

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

 

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

 

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

 

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

 

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

 

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him "You're with the circus aren't you?" , I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

 

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

 

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

 

"At the circus", says the barman.

 

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

 

"That's right", replies the barman.

 

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

 

"Yes" says the barman.

 

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

 

"Yeah" the barman replies.

 

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

 

"Of Course" the barman replies.

 

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

 

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

The duck looks confused.

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ok,i'll have a go.

not that good with jokes and must admit i saw this elsewhere.

 

the car bomber at Glasgow Airport awakes from his coma.

after a few Days he complains he is fed up with being served Haggis,Neeps and Tatties.

and the choice of 'Auld Lang Syne' being played 24/7 on Hospital radio is beginning to piss him off.

and why the fuck must he wear this stupid Tam 'a shanter hat?.

 

the Nurse looks at him and says 'what do you expect,this is the Burns unit'.............

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

"President Bush fell off of his bike, wound up with cuts and bruises on his chin, his nose and on his upper lip â?? or as the secret service call it, ... Condition Hillary."

 

Bill and Al Gore are sitting around reminiscing. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up.

Al says, "You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?"

Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again?

 

Bill Clinton was walking around Arkansas with a pair of women's panties hung over his arm.

When asked why, he replied "I'm on the patch."

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nautical Joke

 

This is the transcript of the actual conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995 - radio conversation released by Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95.

 

 

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second biggest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change YOUR course 15 degrees north. That's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

THAT NEVER HAPPENED! it is an old joke I heard years back and with a different twist! Check this official web sight http://www.navybuddies.com/cvn/cvn72.html , Or http://www.stumbleupon.com/url/www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm and see that the Lincoln was in the Pacific during this time, Then apologize for slagging off on the Americans!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

did i say i thought it was true?,after all this is a thread about jokes.

i also don't believe some of the other things happened in the other JOKES posted.

i just thought of it as a Canadian thing,making fun of the Americans......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...