Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

I've posted this somewhere before but it's a beauty worth repeating.

 

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the Australian coast while they were diving. He reports it to the police & spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

 

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

 

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some really good news."

 

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first."

 

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

 

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

 

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

 

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?"

 

"Well," the Sarge says, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

[The_Munchmaster]

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

 

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating."

 

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

 

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

 

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

 

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

 

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

 

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

[The_Munchmaster]

A young woman, who had been taking golf lessons, had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

 

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

 

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

 

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

 

"Where", he asked.

 

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

 

He nodded knowingly and said, "I think your stance is probably too wide."

[Flashermac]

The secret diary of a Viagra housewife:

 

 

Day 1

 

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

 

Day 2

 

Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent and he wants me to be the first to know. I mean he actually thinks I haven't noticed?

 

Day 3

 

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs! Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

 

Day 4

 

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes it, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

 

Day 5

 

What absolute bliss!!

 

Day 6

 

Isn't life wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

 

Day 7

 

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday at Burger King the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

 

Day 8

 

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his willie as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

 

Day 9

 

No time to write. He might catch me.

 

Day 10

 

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over.

 

Day 11

 

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

 

Day 12

 

I wish he were gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, brushing my teeth or even bathing, but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous.

 

Day 13

 

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a Scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kick his nuts up his throat!

 

Day 14

 

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun, but that just seemed to make him more horny. Heaven help me!

 

Day 15

 

I think I'm going to have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go fuck himself ... and he did!

 

Day 16

 

The %#@!$ has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

 

Day 17

 

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Christ, here he comes again!

 

Day 18

 

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

A cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night when he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar, who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

 

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him about his ambition to be great gunfighter.

 

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

 

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

 

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

 

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

 

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

 

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

 

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "but it won't hurt as much when Billy the Kid gets done playing the piano and shoves that gun up your ass".

Edited October 29, 2007 by Guest

[Flashermac]

Billy the Kid famously couldn't play the piano. He was a noted trombone player, however.

 

[The_Munchmaster]

What's Wyatt Earp got to do with my joke?

Edited October 29, 2007 by Guest

[Flashermac]

Beats me. Some secret symbolism maybe?

 

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

[Torneyboy]

Are you boys playing Cowboys and Indians ?.

Edited October 30, 2007 by Guest