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Two old Scotsmen - MacDougal and McTavish - are sitting in the pub having a few pints of McEwanâ??s.


MacDougal says: â??Ow long we been friends?â? to which McTavish responds: â??Och! I dunno - 80, 90 year?â?Â


â??Ah,â? says MacDougal, â??and good friends are we, nae?â?Â


â??Aye, the best of friends,â? replies his drinking partner.


After a sip, MacDougal says: â??Look, McTavish. Iâ??m an old man, in me dyinâ?? days. Iâ??m not planning to be around much longer. So as me best friend, can I ask ye a favour?â?Â


â??Anything, Mac. Anything at all,â? says McTavish.


So MacDougal asks: â??When I die, would you take a bottle oâ?? whiskey and pour it slowly over me grave?â?Â


McTavish replies: â??Surely, old friend! Now as me best pal, can I ask you a favour back? Would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?â?Â



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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scotsman were on a long train journey. As time passed conversation turned, as it always does, to sex. More time passed and they discussed how to turn women on.


'Well' said the Englishman, 'I cover my wife's important little places with honey and lick it off, very, very slowly'. It drives my wife into ecstasy every time.




'Me' said the Frenchman, 'I tickle my wife in those important little places with a feather. It drives her absolutely wild'.


'Well' says the Scotsman, 'I throw my wife on the bed, shag her senseless, whip my cock out and wipe it on the curtains. It drives her fucking mental'.



Nice work :D

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank


proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.



A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.

The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.

Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."



A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men.

One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.



A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a

teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. Relax, you're two tents."



A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


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Sex researcher asking some farmers about their sexual preferences:

First farmer was Welsh,Researcher asks him:


"Sir have you ever made love to an animal on your farm"?

yes he replies

"And what animal would that be sir"

"A sheep of course"

"and how do you do it sir"?

"Pair of wellies on ,back legs down the wellies up with the tail and away you go wonderful"

"thankyou sir" the interviewer replies

Next in is a Scottish farmer and he asks him the same questions and gets the same reply

The third farmer is an Aussie

"have you ever made love to an animal on your farm sir"?

"Sure have Bruce"

He asks what animal

" A bloody sheep what else"

"And how do you do it sir" he asks

"easy pair of wellies on, sheeps back legs down the wellies, front legs round my neck and away ya go"

Bloke says " you do it different in Australia, in britain they take them from the back"

Aussie replies" How the fu*k do ya kiss em"






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You know you are living in 2002 when ;

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


How true is this??








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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:


Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small

for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows:





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A teacher asked a class of eight year olds to give examples of the use of the word 'contagious'.


Clever Emily puts her hand up and says 'My friend has chicken pox and is contagious'


Studious Riaz tells the teacher 'My dad says Bird Flu is very contagious'


From the back of the class, Dermot shouts out 'Me dad saw me neighbour painting the outside of house with a two inch brush and said it would take the c*** ages'

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A young geordie lsd went down to London and went for a job in sales at Harrods.


The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"


The young man answered "Eye, loads, I was a canny salesman

back in Newcastle."


The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.


His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he

got through it.


After the store was locked up, the manager came down and

asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"


The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."


The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales

people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale



"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.


The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the

hell did you sell him?"


"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium

fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I

asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at

the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went

doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that

twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his

Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car

sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".


The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a

guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat

and 4x4?"


"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for

his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked,

you might as well gan fishing."





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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a big sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?' 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

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