Jump to content

Any New Jokes


bust
 Share

Recommended Posts

A man was in a long queue at his local Boots store. As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the checkout.

 

She asked, "What size condoms?" The man replied that he didn't know.

 

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

 

She reached over the checkout, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One packet of large condoms to checkout 5."

 

The man behind thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When it was his turn at the checkout, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get some condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the checkout.

 

She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One packet of medium condoms to checkout 5."

 

By sheer coincidence, A few customers back was none other than The Munchmaster. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told her he too needed some condoms.

 

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did.

 

She reached over the checkout, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said................

 

"Mop and bucket to checkout 5."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. During a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

 

She again replied, "Yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defence attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska.

 

The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."

 

He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

 

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

 

Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged! Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range.

 

There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

 

First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job

or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

 

Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies,

 

"But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

 

Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what

must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

 

Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.

 

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the fucking stairs

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scotsman were on a long train journey. As time passed conversation turned, as it always does, to sex. More time passed and they discussed how to turn women on.

 

'Well' said the Englishman, 'I cover my wife's important little places with honey and lick it off, very, very slowly'. It drives my wife into ecstasy every time.

 

'Me' said the Frenchman, 'I tickle my wife in those important little places with a feather. It drives her absolutely wild'.

 

'Well' says the Scotsman, 'I throw my wife on the bed, shag her senseless, whip my cock out and wipe it on the curtains. It drives her fucking mental'.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire, and was burnt very badly, and at the morgue they needed someone to identify the body.

 

So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for.

 

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over".

 

So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said, "Nope, thatâ??s not Paddy."

 

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

 

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over".

 

So the mortician rolled him over and Sean looked and said, "Nope, thatâ??s not Paddy."

 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

 

Sean said, "Well he had two arse holes."

 

"What? He had two arse holes?" said the mortician.

 

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arse holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say...."Here comes Paddy with them two arse holes.."

 

 

Edited by Guest
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...