BelgianBoy Posted March 21, 2013 Report Share Posted March 21, 2013 A guy walks into a bar and sees a short-dressed woman with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. He puts his ear to the tattoo and he smells the sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted March 22, 2013 Report Share Posted March 22, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted March 24, 2013 Report Share Posted March 24, 2013 Pilfered from the Belgian guy - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted April 8, 2013 Report Share Posted April 8, 2013 The Jewish ELBOW A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........." "What . . . .. ... You coming empty handed?" _______________________________________________ Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say "Time's up?" ___________________________________________________________________________ Irish blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb..... but all men...are men! ___________________________________________________________________________ Global Facts About Sex At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading emails. You hang in there, sunshine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted April 9, 2013 Report Share Posted April 9, 2013 Students taking English Literature at a local college were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: cost : $29..99 Clinton: cost : $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Monica Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary ….basically the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted April 10, 2013 Report Share Posted April 10, 2013 Rod Stewart has been asked to sing at Margaret Thatchers funeral. But 'Wake up Maggie" may not be everyones favourite... -------------------------------------------------- It's not that the working classes resent paying £10m to bury Thatcher, they just resent the fact they waited until she was dead. ------------------------------------------------------- Margaret Thatcher's final wish was to be cremated. Unfortunately, we've no coal left ------------------------------------------- David Cameron has just sent his official letter to the Thatcher residence. It starts, "I regret to inform you that due to recent events, you now have too many bedrooms..." ------------------------------------------------------- Margaret Thatcher has passed away. My thoughts are with Satan and the denizens of Hell at this most difficult and trying time for them. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Manchester Derby didn't hold a minutes silence for Margaret Thatcher before kick off last night, which I thought was disrespectful, but at least Man City sent an Argentinian sub in the second half. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Michael Jackson? Margaret Thatcher didn't like miners. ---------------------------------------------------------- The makers of the Margaret Thatcher life story film have said they are putting it on hold until she dies to ensure a happy ending. --------------------------------------------------- Margaret Thatcher has been admitted to hospital. She is not expected to live - her condition is described as satisfactory -------------------------------------------------- I just watched a documentary about Margaret Thatcher. It had the warning "May Not Be Suitable For Miners" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Plans have begun for Margaret Thatcher's state funeral. It'll be the first time ever the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin. ------------------------------------------------------- So we've had an Argentinian Pope for 2 weeks, and Margaret Thatcher dies. Coincidence? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwed the miners, the other screwed Majors ----------------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted April 17, 2013 Report Share Posted April 17, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted April 18, 2013 Report Share Posted April 18, 2013 What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks? Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks." I rest my case. Time for another beer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted April 18, 2013 Report Share Posted April 18, 2013 Urology Surgery When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters. I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted April 18, 2013 Report Share Posted April 18, 2013 Blonde Who Married a Catholic On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie, and then with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" Then she asked, "Who did you lend it to, and for how long? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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