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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.


Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"


New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"


Dog: "Doin' alright."


New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)


Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander


Dog: "Yep"


Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"


Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."


New Zealander: (look of disbelief)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"


New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."


Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"


Horse: "Cool."


New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)


Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)


Horse: "Yep"


Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"


Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."


New Zealander: (total look of amazement)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"


New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

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There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."


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A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.


Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."


Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."


Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"


Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."


The mom said okay and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.


Mom : "Now what do I do?"


Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

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One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"


Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

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Tim was going to be married to April, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.


He says, "Tim, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'here, try these on.'"


So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."


I replied, "Exactly! I wear the pants in this family and I always will."


"Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."


"Hmmm," says Tim. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon, Tim takes off his pants and says to April, "Here try these on."


So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."


Tim says, "Exactly! I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."


Then April takes off her pants and hands them to Tim and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."


April says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will."

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Sale Now On...


Why do women love to suck Circumcised Cocks?


Because they can't resist anything with 10% off






Two friends, a blond n a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop were the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'


The blond looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?


The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and i just don't feel like spending the next five days on my back with my legs in the air.'


The blond says, 'DON'T YOU HAVE A VASE?'

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Which Bitch ?

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.


The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"


The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"


The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,


and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her


beautiful younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was

bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more

than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when

she was near anyone else.


One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for

me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,

and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top

she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.


I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.


I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family

was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our

daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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The Wedding Night



Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.


But her mother reassured her, "Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man, Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."


So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest, Maria ran downstairs to her mother and yelled, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."


"Don't worry Maria," replied her mother," all good men have hairy chests, go upstairs, he'll take good care of you."


So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs."


"Don't worry, all good men have hairy legs, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."


So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half."


"Stay here and stir the pasta," said the mother, "this is a job for Mama."

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