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Ghost Poo:

You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the

toilet. Where is it?


Teflon Poo:

So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the

toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.


Goo Poo:

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you

still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your

underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the



Second Thoughts Poo:

You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...

there's more to come.


Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:

This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out

until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.


Weight Watchers Poo:

You poo so much you lose several pounds.


Right Now Poo:

You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to

get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your

pants down.


King Kong Poo:

This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you

break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.

This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.


Cork Poo:

Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,

floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?


Wet Cheeks Poo:

This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the

launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.


Wish Poo:

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.


Cement Block Poo:

You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.


Snake Poo:

This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least

three feet long.


Morning After Poo:

Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't

smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house

(normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside

to use the bathroom.


Mexican Food Poo:

Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum

stops burning.


Boo Hoo Poo:

Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the

stitches or go for the fuller figure.

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Who is your real friend?







This really works...!






If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.




Put your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of the car for an hour.


When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?




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The Sayings of a Jewish Buddhist




If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?


Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?


Drink tea and nourish life:

with the first sip, joy;

with the second sip, satisfaction;

with the third sip, peace;

with the fourth, a Danish.


Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.


Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.


"There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited! And whose fault was that?"


Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.


Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.


Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.


Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.


Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.


The Torah says, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

The Buddha says, "There is no self."

So maybe we're off the hook?




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Just for Coss


Auckland Suburbs Jokes..................



A Manurewa girl goes to Social Welfare to register for child benefit.



"How many children?" asks the assessor.



"Ten" replies the Rewa Hard girl,



"Ten?" says the Welfare worker.



"What are their names?"



"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan


and Nathan"



"Doesn't that get confusing?"



"Naah..." says the Rewa Hard girl, "Its great because if they are out


playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'

or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."



"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed


Welfare worker.



"That's easy," says the Rewa Hard girl... "I just use their surnames"





A North Shore girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.



The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll


take the red one."



The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."






Q. Two Mangere girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?



A. Society.







Q. What do you call a 30 year old Glenfield girl?



A. Granny.








Q. Why did the Otara girl cross the road?



A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.







Q. What do you call a Manukau girl in a white tracksuit?



A. The bride.







Q. What's the first question during a Papakura quiz night?



A. What you looking at?






Q. What does a Grey Lynn girl use as protection during sex?



A. A bus shelter.







Q. Two Mangere kids in a car without any music - who is driving?



A. The policeman.







Q. What's the difference between a boy and an Avondale girl?



A. An Avondale girl has a higher sperm count.







Q. What's the most confusing day in Panmure?



A. Fatherâ??s day





Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Pakuranga?



A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

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