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new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could

> > hardly speak.

> >

> > After mass he asked the monsignor how he had

> > done.

> >

> > The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting

> > nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the

> > water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a

> > sip.'

> >

> > So next Sunday he took the monsignor's

> > advice.

> >

> > At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a

> > drink.

> >

> > He proceeded to talk up a storm.

> >

> > Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the

> > following note on the door:

> >

> > 1)

> > Sip the

> > vodka, don't gulp.

> >

> > 2)

> > There

> > are 10 commandments, not 12.

> >

> > 3)

> > There

> > are 12 disciples, not 10.

> >

> > 4)

> > Jesus

> > was consecrated, not constipated.

> >

> > 5)

> > Jacob

> > wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

> >

> > 6)

> > We do

> > not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

> >

> > 7)

> > The

> > Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,

> > Junior and the spook.

> >

> > 8)

> > David

> > slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of

> > him.

> >

> > 9)

> > When

> > David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,

> > don't say he was stoned off his ass.

> >

> > 10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big

> > T.'

> >

> > 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,

> > 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not

> > say 'Eat me'.

> >

> > 12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the

> > Cherry'.

> >

> > 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:

> > Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

> >

> > 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.

> > Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.

> > Taffy's.



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A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


"'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'"


A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora') because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.


2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.


3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.


4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won. :)



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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'

Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'


'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.

'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia ,she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basketta


The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use adining car. So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!


Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.


The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.


Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice... 'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia !' 'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus.


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Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,


wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still


heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical


procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a


partial sponge bath.


Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my


testicles black?'


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,


Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'


He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles




Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry


about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment


and sheepishly pulls back the covers.


She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and


his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them




Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's


nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'


The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and


says very slowly,


'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen


very, very closely......


' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

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