Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.

 

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!".

 

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

 

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu bro, you huv Prostate suckness eh". "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi'regonna huv to cut off your balls."

 

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bustards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[The_Munchmaster]

Grammar

 

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

 

I have noticed that many who text messages and email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

 

Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[Flashermac]

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Rudd Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Minister,

 

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

 

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

 

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

 

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

 

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!

 

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide??

 

I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

 

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!

 

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

 

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

 

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

 

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??

 

Nooooo.. that 'd be too easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile? .... you fucking morons.

 

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

 

 

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)

 

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

 

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; You know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!!!..... a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government".

 

You are all fucking idiots!

 

[Hamokhamok]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

 

Well here it is:

 

A friend, who worked for the ambulance service, always made a morning available when he would take his 6-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time-- just him and his granddaughter.

 

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.

 

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

 

 

 

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

 

'Yes, Grandad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

 

 

 

We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

[Hamokhamok]

I LOVE THIS WOMAN

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress

is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties

and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man

and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[Hamokhamok]

DINNER:

 

Awhile back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at

her parents home.

 

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

 

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail.

Lobster. Champagne.

 

I asked her, Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?

 

No, she replied. but my mother is not expecting a blow job tonight.

 

 

I said "enjoy"..

[Hamokhamok]

THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

 

 

 

 

 

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork,

and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would

be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local

technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and

learned all he could.

 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared

carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the

results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of

150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to

appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is

an error in the grade?"

 

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,

which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together

again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you

did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[Hamokhamok]

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

 

 

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 

 

 

 

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

 

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

 

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

 

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

 

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

 

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

 

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

 

Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.

 

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

 

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

 

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

 

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

 

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 

Let me level the playing field even further.

 

 

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

 

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

 

#1. To make an appointment to see me

 

#2. To query a missing payment.

 

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

 

 

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

 

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

 

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

 

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

 

Password will be communicated to you at a later date due to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

 

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

 

 

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

 

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

 

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

 

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

 

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

 

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

 

 

Your Humble Client

 

And remember: Don't make old People mad.

 

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[Hamokhamok]

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and

sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big

guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner

Brown.'

 

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to,

shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What

EXACTLY did you say to me?'

 

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and

figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always

asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis,

my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

 

The little white Irishman says:

 

'Turner Brown?'....'Sweet Jesus', I thought you said, 'Turn around!'

[Hamokhamok]

Guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

 

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female."

 

...Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White."

 

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

 

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."