Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

Hopefully Robaus won't read this post. :relieved:



Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.


I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.




Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke.


All I said was, golly you're tall!




Last week me and this Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition.


I still can't believe she won!




Had to have a blood transfusion the other day.


All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood.


It's not as bad as it sounds though. I now have a 12 inch cock, and I'm top of the housing list.



Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.


When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.


One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."


Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.


"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.


The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.


After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.


She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."


So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"


"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"


"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.


The girl finished her bath and went to bed.


Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"


"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."


"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."


"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"



Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Half-Drunk Bloke goes into a Pub, and the Barmaid asks what he wants.


"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.


"You dirty bastard!" shouts the Barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.


The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.


"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."


She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"


Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.


"One more chance," says the Barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"


"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."


The Barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.


"What's up love?" he asks.


"There's a bloke in the Bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.


"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.


"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.


"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.


"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!


The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.


"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.


"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."



Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.


Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'


'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'


'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.


They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.


After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'


Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'


'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 27 and we'll walk from the roundabout.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, shirt, trousers and underwear. Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.


It was only when I got to the top of the stairs that I realised I was still on the bus home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...