Any New Jokes

[Hamokhamok]

ARABS

 

 

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence: ??-

No Christmas?-

No television?-

No nude women?-

No football?-

No pork chops?-

No hotdogs?-

No burgers?-

No beer?-

No bacon?-

Rags for clothes?-

Towels for hats?-

Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?-

More than one wife?-

More than one mother in law?-

You can't shave?-

Your wife can't shave?-

You can't wash off the smell of donkey?-

You wipe your arse with your hand?-

You cook over burning camel shit?-

Your wife is picked by someone else?-

Your wife smells worse than your donkey ??

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

No shit Sherlock!.... ?....It's not like it could get much fucking worse!

[Hamokhamok]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was

as clean and empty as on the

previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'

 

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

 

 

 

 

 

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Hamokhamok]

If you have computer problems....this may be the cause

 

 

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

 

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

 

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

 

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

 

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

 

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied.

 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

 

So I wrote down:

 

 

 

 

ID10T

 

 

 

 

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

[Hamokhamok]

Hitler intends to save Ireland

 

 

Edited November 30, 2010 by Guest

[Hamokhamok]

*Beware of older men - they only get wiser!**

*

 

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

 

On her way home, she stops at a newsagent to buy a newspaper. Before

leaving, she says to the salesgirl, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but

how old do you think I am

 

'About 32,' is the reply.'

 

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

 

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the

very same question.

 

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

 

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

 

 

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her

way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and

asks the sales assistant this burning question.

 

The sales assistant responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

 

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to

her the same question.

 

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was

young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very

forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then,

and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best

of her.

 

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very

slowly and carefully.

 

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

 

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

'Madam, you are 50.'

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you

tell?'

 

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

 

'I promise I won't' she says.

 

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[Hamokhamok]

THE WOMAN POEM:

 

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart, and strong.

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks.

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh, send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

 

THE MAN POEM:

 

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

 

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[Hamokhamok]

Wrong Answer - Brilliant

 

WIFE:

 

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Definitely not!

 

WIFE:

 

Why not - don't you like being married?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Of course I do.

 

WIFE:

 

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Okay, I'd get married again.

 

WIFE:

 

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

 

HUSBAND:

 

(Makes audible groan).

 

WIFE:

 

Would you live in our house?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Sure, it's a great house.

 

WIFE:

 

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Where else would we sleep?

 

WIFE:

 

Would you let her drive my car?

 

HUSBAND:

 

Probably, it is almost new.

 

WIFE:

 

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

 

HUSBAND:

 

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

 

WIFE:

 

Would she use my golf clubs?

 

HUSBAND:

 

No, she's left-handed.

 

WIFE:

 

- silence - -

 

HUSBAND:

 

F*ck......

[Hamokhamok]

"Ya know Tom, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,

I couldn't bend it with both hands.

 

By the time I was 50, I could bend it

about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

 

By the time I was 60, I could bend it

about 20 degrees, no problem.

 

I'm gonna be 75 next week, and now I can

almost bend it in half with just one hand."

 

"So, what's your point Bob?"

 

 

 

"Well, I'm just wondering Tom

how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[Hamokhamok]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

 

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

 

The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it

.............................. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .

 

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

 

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

 

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

 

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

 

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

 

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

 

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

 

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!

 

 

Tis me

................ I've Quit Drinking!"

[Hamokhamok]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

 

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.â€Â

 

The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!â€Â

 

“Whoa,†replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!â€Â