Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

Two older women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.


The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."


The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"


"Whoa," replied the first woman.




"I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites




Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."



The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,the four men give her a subtle,


"Well "

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,









38" DD bust,



24" waist and



34" hips.


When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."


On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."


On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."


On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."


At a Tyre Store

"Invite us to your next blowout."


On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."


In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."


At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."


On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"


At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


In a Vets waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


And don't forget the sign at a


"Best place in town to take a leak."


Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here's a good laugh to start your day


The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs,

they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in

Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and

answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,

Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere

in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there

are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the

floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......



'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,


His elbow goes into her breast.


They are both quite startled.


The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as


Soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'


She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!



3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".



4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.



5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!



6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."



7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"



8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service though.



9. 19 Paddies all go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film guide said 18 or over."



10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse"..

Is everybody clear on that?

Link to comment
Share on other sites



His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------- Verti Gogh


The brother who ate prunes ------------------------------ Gotta Gogh


The brother who worked at a convenience store ------- Stop N Gogh


The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------------ U Gogh


His magician uncle --------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh


His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh


The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------------- Gring Gogh


The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------------- Wells-far Gogh


The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh


The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------- Tang Gogh


The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh


The fruit- loving cousin ------------------------------------- Man Gogh


An aunt who taught positive thinking -------------------- Way-to-Gogh


The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------- Poe Gogh


The sister who loved disco ------------------------------------ Go Gogh


And his niece who travels the country in an RV ---------- Winnie Bay Gogh


I saw you smiling . . . There ya Gogh!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wonderful Church Ladies With Typewriters.



They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS & TYPOS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:




The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'

Come early and listen to our choir practice.


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast

next Sunday.


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.


He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.


'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'


And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.


But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'


'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'


'No problem,' he says. And in they go.


Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra.


No one says a word.


So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.


Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.


His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.


He looks at her mom..


'She's got a great body,' he thinks.


So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.


Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still, Total silence.


All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.


Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...


Suddenly the father shouts....


'I'll do the fucking dishes!'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...