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*/_Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:_/*


*1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see



*2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.*


*3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.*


*_4. A dog's parents never visit_**.*


*5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your

point across.*



*6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..*


*7. Dogs like to go hunting and **_fishing._*


*8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died,

would you get another dog?"*


*9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and

give them away.*


*10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without

calling you a pervert.*


*11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.

They just think it's interesting.*


*/And last, but not least:/*


*12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.*






*To test this theory: *

*Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then

open it and see who's happy to see you.*

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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man of Your House.


Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.'


You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."

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The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,

well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I

help you sir?" she asked.


"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer

someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.


Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a

visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave

it to Valerie, and they went upstairs... After an hour, the man calmly left.


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she

was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again,

the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...

After an hour, he left.


The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that

he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went

upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever

been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"


The man replied, "Edinburgh."


"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."


"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was

instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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Nursing home sex...


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.


Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the

Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.


One evening, Margaret , age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to

chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.


After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Margaret and asks,

'Do you know what I miss most of all?'


She asks, 'What?'


'Sex!!' he replies


Margaret exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a

gun to your head!'


'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it

for a while.'


Well, I can oblige,' says Margaret , who unzips his trousers, removes his

manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly

each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Margaret would

hold Harold's manhood.


Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Margaret decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.


She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting

by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding

Harold's manhood!


Furious, Margaret yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does

Ethel have that I don't have?'


Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinsons.'

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Adult Riddles ~



Q: What's a mixed feeling?

A: When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.



Q: What's the height of conceit?

A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q: What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.


Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!


Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it!


Q: What is a Yankee?

A: The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.


Q: What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A: They both like a tight seal.


Q: What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.


Q: What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A: About three inches.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A: The grip.


Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A: It's not hard..



Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch!


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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or





How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?




Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your

thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?






Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What disease did cured ham actually have?




How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good

idea to put wheels on luggage?




Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like

every two hours?




If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?




Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to

look at things on the ground?




Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.




Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?






Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!









If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what

is baby oil made from?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?




Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a

hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?




Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but

when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.


Mum said, "You should say No - they only want to look at your knickers."


Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.


I said to her,


"If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."


"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.


"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."


She looked at me and said:


"What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

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