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A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.





"From now on when I say BELL 1


I want you to strip naked.


When I say BELL 2


I want you to jump in bed.


And when I say BELL 3


We are going to make love all night.

"The next night he came home from work and yelled


" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.





When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.


When he yelled " BELL 3!", they began making love.


After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"


"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?





"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied


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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today..'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ?All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

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The Irish Funeral Procession !




A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:




"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."




He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"


The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."


A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.


"Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line !"

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The only place where:


• If you die from alcohol poisoning, you're considered a lightweight


• 'Fuck off' means 'Are you serious?'


• The person that you insult most is probably your best friend


• Saying 'I will yea' means that you definitely won't


• "Fuck it, its grand' means that you couldn't be bothered to finish it properly


• 'He’s fond of a drink' means he suffers from severe life-threatening alcoholism


• Saying you're going for a drink means you might not be seen again for 3 days


• Crisps are called 'Taytos' and fizzy drinks are called 'minerals'


• 'For the craic' is the best reason for doing anything


• The best cure for a hangover is more drink


• Nobody can go a day without saying 'Jaysus'


• Tea is the solution to every problem,


• And water is the solution to every GAA injury


• "I got stuck behind a tractor' is a perfectly valid reason for being late


• We eat Tayto sambos for lunch, and ham sandwiches on the way to Croke Park


• You can insert the name of a gardening tool into any sentence and it still makes sense, e.g. 'I had a rake of drink last night' or "I'll be out in a minute, I'm just shoveling down the dinner'


• GAA is considered religion


• It’s perfectly acceptable to call your mother 'mammy' even though you are a fully grown adult


• Saying 'Now we're sucking diesel' means that you are happy with the outcome of the situation


• Drinking 'tae' is everyone's favourite past time


• You're scared of the wooden spoon


• The word 'like' goes in every sentence


• You can say "Any craic' to a garda and you won't get arrested


• 'The dogs' bollocks' means something brilliant...........

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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc,


I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it.

Cccan yyyouhehehelp me?'

The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'

So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'

The guy says,'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'

The doctor says,' It's your penis.

It's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..'

The guy says, --- 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'

The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'

The guy says, -- 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says,

'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'


The doctor says, --- 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

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Sex After Surgery?...............................


A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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Up in Yorkshire








A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when

he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning

from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for

everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given

birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25

pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's

about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a

typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid

many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually

fainted due to sympathy pains.


Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender

says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire

baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in

two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'



The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little

suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25

pounds the day he was born!'


The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,

wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender

and proudly says,






'Had him circumcised...'

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