Hamokhamok Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 Voted Best Scottish Short Joke A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv any books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 SCOTTISH BAR STOOL FOR KILTS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over. A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.†My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Nuts to this I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy. Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead. Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia." I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it! The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English. Husband says to wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonightâ€. Wife says, “Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a changeâ€. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’. On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’. I thought, “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?†The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?" The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID."? Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America." Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check." Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do: one day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing" Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 I came home from work to find my wife knelt on the bedroom floor, crying her eyes out. "You dirty bastard", she yelled. "Why did you marry me if what you're really into is African women? I've found hundreds of your DVD's!" I then saw she'd uncovered a big box of my porn. "You silly sausage. I'm not into African women," I replied. "Those are just the A's." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 "Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, " You don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt. ........................................ The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries! ........................................ Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back! ........................................ I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 What is a calorie? Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter... My closet is infested with the little shits! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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