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A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born

"I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son."

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said,

"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a fanny, not a f*cking photo copier

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  • 2 weeks later...




The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"


Susie says, "We need a computer"


Wendy says, "We need a car"


Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"


Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"


"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"




My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a penis on it




I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.


They're brilliant.


It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...




My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.


I was so shocked I almost tripped over my penis.




Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .


Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam




I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.


I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.


I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"




I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.


Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate......




A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft t**t !!!"


His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"


Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"




Love is like a fart.


If you have to force it, it's probably shit.





Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"




Life is like a penis.


Soft and hanging freely.


It's women that make it hard





I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.


She said, "Have you got a nickname?"


"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"


"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled


"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"




Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"




I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"


"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"


That spider never knew what f******g hit it.




The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England




The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"


I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.




A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.




I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.


She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.

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