Am I becoming just another ATM?

[sidsanuk]

"Your fiancee is the key -- you mentioned that you hinted at the possibility of having to get tough. What was her reaction? If she wasn't 100% with you then the "uphill" in "uphill battle" just went from like a 25 degree slope to 89.9 degrees. "

 

She is 100% with me :-)

 

Sid

[sidsanuk]

KHMarried

"So basically you have made it clear that you will not help your wife fulfill her cultural and familial obligations. How nice for you"

 

Quite the opposite, as you will see from my other posts. Sorry if I did not make my position very clear. I take the cultural and family obligations VERY seriously.

 

Sid

 

[sidsanuk]

Quote "This whole "marrying a family" thing has me spooked. Unfortinately, this so often is the case. While I can't blame them due to this cooperative nature of the family concept, it does reflects poorly on their lack of pride and dignity expectating the daughter's wealthier husband to bear the burden for their lack of education, poor fiscal management, irresponsible bahavior, lack of self-accountability or just bad luck. It really doesn't matter which one."

 

I think that might be a bit harse. I certainly went into this relationship with my EYES WIDE OPEN, understanding the need to assist the family and oplanning for it from the outset.

 

I think for those guys who marry a TG without fully understanding the cultural/family aspects are in for a rough ride. Glad I did my homework early on :-)

 

Heh there is an upside. We get the pick of the plots of land on the family farm for our retirement house. :-)

 

Sid

[sidsanuk]

Creative,

 

I can understand your harder approach given that background. I am sure I would be the same in those circumstances.

 

Luckily in this case, my GF's family are basically good people who have just had it tough most of their lives. Even though money was always short, the parents still managed to send all three kids to University ! About the only kids in her Soi to do so I think.

 

That's probably part of the problem LOL. Because none of the kids has a job at present and Mum is wondering what she going to get for that not insignificant investment LOL In her shoes I might wonder the same.

 

Sid

[sidsanuk]

Rictic..Creative,

 

Guys, lets keep things in perspective here. Sure there are lots of bad, money grabbing, scheming Thai families around, with drunken fathers etc etc. But they are the minority and you could find families like that in any country. Maybe not so many I grant you :-)

 

This thread was focussed on the family/cultural aspects of a 'normal' Thai family and the obligations that imposes.

 

We have all had bad experiences and it is interesting to hear about them. But let's not allow that to colour our view of the whole race.................please :-)

 

Sid

[sidsanuk]

Rickfarang,

 

Thanks for putting such a good perspective on the issue. I have had many long discussions with my staff in BKK on these family/cultural obligations and I think the comparison you made with the West was a sound one.

 

One of my PAs in BKK, who has worked with farangs for many years, and hence should understand our culture, was astounded when I told her that I don't send money to my Mother in the UK.

 

When I explained that she had a pension and that social security covered all her medical bills etc, she understood.....sort of :-)

 

If and when a social security net comes into Thailand, I cannot help but think it will be a double edged sword. It will undermine the very fabric of Thai family culture, where the kids look after the parents. We might end up with Thai people in the future being like those in the West. Who could often be regarded as ungrateful brates who never think of their parents except when they need something.

 

I think the Thai family/culture has a lot going for it personally.

 

As an aside. I don't want kids. Have 4 from a previous marriage (living with my ex). Took me 18 years to realise I don't really like kids LOL.

 

My TG fiance, although not that keen on having kids, was somewhat worried about who would look after her in her old age. Touche :-) The old cultural/family thing again. The kids are the 'pension plan'.

 

Once I explained that we will have savings, property, a business to sell......and if all else fails.......the government pension plan...she was a lot happier. Annd now definately does NOT want kids :-))

 

Sid

[sidsanuk]

MaiLuk,

 

Quote "Don't know what to tell you about how to handle the money to the family issue.

 

I'm posting to point out that you should not underestimate the effect these exchanges between your fiance and her family are having on her. She is under tremendous pressure. She is taking a stand to protect you, and even if she is completely right, she is feeling very guilty about not living up to expectations"

 

Yes, she was feeling under a lot of pressure and certainly a bit guilty. But now that we have agreed to a figure she is relieved and feels that she 'has done her duty'.

 

The hard bit, as others have pointed out, will be to ensure that the agreed monthly allowance does not increase.

 

Sid

[sidsanuk]

SUMMARY FROM SID,

 

Thank you all for your different perspectives on this issue of family/cultural obligations. Sorry if I put so many posts up today, but I wanted to address/reply to each post as I read through them. They all had very valid points to make.

 

If I can summarise my own understanding and those of the other members who posted here, I think it is fair to say that:

 

1. Every family/situation/relationship is different. And will require a different approach/solution.

 

2. When a farang marries into a Thai family, there is a lot of opportunity for misunderstanding and conflict, if he does not know what he is getting himself into beforehand.

 

3. That many Thai people, particularly those from poorer/rural families, are maybe not as adept at financial management/planning as their Western counterparts. So they often get into financial difficulty. They are maybe more focussed on living 'day to day'.

 

4. That Thai families, as with many other Asian cultures, look upon children as providing security to the parents in their old age. After all, there is NO social security net in Thailand.

 

If you live in the West, just think how your attitudes might change if social security was abolished totally. ie if you don't work, maybe you don't eat.

 

5. That like in any other country in the World, there are 'bad' families who exploit their children and will 'milk' a foreign husband expertly. Whether there are more or less of these 'bad' families in Thailand, I wouldn't know.

 

I think we have all heard many stories, and still others have experienced it first hand. But how many stories about 'good' families have we not heard?

 

Sid

 

[Guest]

>> This thread was focussed on the family/cultural aspects of a 'normal' Thai family and the obligations that imposes.

 

Lot of the discussions of this board are not about that 'normal' Thai family profile you describe.

[sidsanuk]

Quote..."Lots of the discussions of this board are not about that 'normal' Thai family profile you describe"

 

I understand that. But this thread was.

 

Sid