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The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story.

 

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

 

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?"

 

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

 

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong a aand aabbout twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

 

The clerk responds, "Yes we do"

 

She asks: " Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

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A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, â??Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

 

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want".

 

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would require! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. To justify your desire for worldly things, take a little more time and try to think of something that could possibly help mankind."

 

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy".

 

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

 

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. 'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the night?'

 

'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.'

 

'Ok,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

 

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

 

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

 

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

 

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, 'Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.'

 

'Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.'

 

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.'

 

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the

boulder.

 

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, 'Chinese Torture 3: Right

testicle tied to bedpost.'

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A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

 

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, â??Do you know what I am doing?"

 

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

 

"That's right," said the doctor.

 

He then began to fondle her breasts.

 

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

 

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

 

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

 

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

 

He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

 

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

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When Chelsea returned home from a date at 3am, Hillary asked if she'd had a good time.

 

Chelsea sighed and said she'd an absolutely wonderful time. She thought she was finally in love.

 

'You didn't have sex with him, did you?' Hillary asked.

 

Chelsea answered her honestly. 'Not according to Dad.'

 

 

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Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.

 

After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once."

 

The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."

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Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, "What might ye be sellin' here?"

 

One of the Englishmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

 

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman replied, "You're doing well then...only two left."

 

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