can I afford her?

[thai3]

 

 

 

I thought I had the money side about understood with the GF that I plan to marry in April. Already explained (more than once) that I am not well off but that I can take care of her and the kid, but will not be able to support the family or to be buying ones offs like cars, bikes, land purchasing etc.She did ask me to send 6000 baht to support the kid when she comes over here, I thought this was a bit too much for a 5 year old and today she sent me this email, any insights from the skeptics or romantics welcome. What is she trying to tell me do you think?-peter

 

You know I could not sleep well becasue I think about for my life and you and our marraige. I am afraid something if you ask me what I am afraid now. First, I know that I have no money for future and you know I am shy to ask money from you. if suppost we get married already then I have no money for paying or something that I want.. I think that I am very hard to ask the money from you everytime when I have problem. I dont know that if that happen what I should know .. I know loving is not money,but you know I have no money enought . if I have more money of course I do not think about money and get it invole our marrige. For land family I just know that my mum have about 10 Rai. and Chan will give my daugher about 10-20 Rai. I hope you understand me. Yes We knew each other about 3 year but we do not know in real each other .. Morever I just know you outside. You know I did wrong before so I afraid that ask your money and ask myself that You do love me or not.. I feel you just talk kidding.. I fear about my life and my future and about marraige.

Hope you understand me ..Do not be angry me . just talk together.. What do you think ? I do not want to hurt you .

[BelgianBoy]

Peter,

 

A few threads ago I wrote about some kind of 'health fund' my GF and her bros and sisters set up to cover all monthly expenses of her sick mom.

Each contribute 3K Bt per month, and my GF was sick for a few days before touching this subject with me, as she is moving to Belgium.

 

Because she has no money and no more income, my GF and your fiancee DEPEND on us.

Just try to understand their point of view, they are actually leaving everything they know and are familiar with, to move to farangland and depend solely on us.

 

I do understand the e-mail. Read between the lines of her fear....

 

Hope this helps.

 

Cheers !

[thai3]

 

 

Yes it is a big step for her to come over here but I worry about not being able to meet her expectations, whatever they are. She seems to talk about wanting rather than needing a lot and these are not quite the same things. I am confident I can give her what she needs, but what she wants for the family is an unkown quantity.Cannot really talk to her as she will not come out with much, she says more in emails.-peter

[shygye]

She will be able to find a job. Even a min. wage job, she should clear 15K baht per month easy. Work out a budget and tell her how much you can give until she takes over the payments with her wages.

 

When will you bring the child over to your country?

[pattaya127]

Seems typical. Whatvere you worked out with her did not allay her fears, or, I am sorry to say, maybe just reached one part of her brain and not another, then gets lost in the TIT wilderness...

 

it would have been better if you told us what was worked out with her. If it's all about 6000 bahts for her kid, it sure cannot account for all the financial decisions or unknowns, people encounter along the way anywhere.

 

I think she is definitely afraid the way you talked to her about finances shows some foot-dragging from your part. And it poisons her thoughts, as love is not just water and roses.

 

Not sure if she worries about a certain number of bahts, or just that you will be there when needed. It's a tough one. They often take our dedication as an understanding that whatever is needed, we will provide unquestionningly. make that in capitals: UNQUESTIONNINGLY.

 

You don't want to put a price on that dedication, but still want to convey your one-mindedness about providing for your wife. That's where east never quite meets west, or vice versa?

[think_too_mut]

>What is she trying to tell me do you think?

 

When her needs, real or perceived are fullfilled, she may consider what to do with you. Translated, it would read "if you can't do that for me, tell me, I'll find somebody else who can".

 

Sorry to say, IMO your role is to help her get out of poverty and ensure she never goes back into it.

Nothing strange with that, most if not all girls we meet are in that same game.

 

You titled the thread very well.

[MaiLuk]

"Already explained (more than once) that I am not well off but that I can take care of her and the kid, but will not be able to support the family"

 

thai3

She is having a major problem with this. Taking care of her and the kid does not solve the money problems of the family which in her mind is her problem to solve.

 

She said " if I have more money of course I do not think about money and get it invole our marrige." So this money situation must be taken care of by her before she can do something self serving like run off to farangland.

 

"if suppost we get married already then I have no money for paying or something that I want.. "

 

So its not only about her family.

 

"I worry about not being able to meet her expectations, whatever they are."

 

Already you are not meeting her expectations. When you told her 6,000 bhat for the kid was too much, it was a red flag for her, that is why you are getting the '"i'm scared" email.

 

imo (based on one short email ) you two are far apart on agreeing to the financial aspect of your arrangement, needs lots of work.

 

shygye's suggestion may convince her that its ok to move forward with you. A tg i know here keeps all of her money from her full time job while husband's salary pays all bills, causes some friction but she sees it as her money. You said you are not well off, this may not work for you.

 

This tg told me she cannot understand why her husband won't agree to send 20,000 baht per month to her family (she has no kids there). When she and i were in bkk same time and met her family, the brother gave her hell for not thinking of them, she was feeling the stress.

[khwaimaisabai]

pattaya127 said:

...... we will provide unquestionningly. make that in capitals: UNQUESTIONNINGLY.

Hi p127,

I learned this the hard way when I questioned one request. She just started screaming at me - and this was at Nana BTS station late one night. Better to get your explanations and questions in first - not when they ask.

Khwai

[Guest]

You might want to look into getting health insurance for her mother, life insurance on your self with the wife as beneficiary. These will provide some areas of buffered security.

 

You might want to make a budget for the child. I know some are happy with 3000 baht a month and surprises (gifts are added). This type of arrangement may seem great, but what I have seen is the child would prefer 0 baht if the child could live with the parent. You might want to consider uniting the child with the mother.

 

Some Thais expect 'riches' from falangs, but then some realize the falang is not much different then they are. Somehow, you got to re-impress this upon her. One way I found that seems to work, is I try to putting some money into the money can each day. When we need to make a major purchase, somehow she gets the bright idea to use the money in the can. She feels that she is doing her part and in a way, is contributing more to the relationship (financially) then I do.

 

On the same token, she might feel better if she has a trade or skill she can use to make money. A skill or trade that is acceptable even in falang land. This may mean she might have to take some classes. If she takes classes, be prepared to see how fast she can learn!

[Guest]

"I do not want to hurt you." sounds like she is getting ready to pack up and leave for someone else