Any New Jokes

[My Penis is hungry]

Oh I wish!

[Flashermac]

[My Penis is hungry]

..

 

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..

 

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

 

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

 

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

 

"OH!! Limp pricks!"

 

 

 

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into "Olympics".

 

[Flashermac]

Irish archaeologists have unearthed the headstone of a man who's believed to be the oldest person ever to live in Ireland. He lived to be 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

 

[Coss]

Jimmy Carr: "I tried to write the shortest joke possible. So, I wrote a two word joke which was: 'Dwarf shortage'. It's just so I could pack more jokes into the show."He then looked directly at the camera and added: "If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up."

[My Penis is hungry]

Barry the builder was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colours to paint each room.

 

They went into the first room and she said, "This

room to be a light blue."

 

The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up". As he went back she said the next room was to be red.

 

The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up". Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan."

 

And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up".

The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but you always yell "Green side up".

"What do you say that for?"

 

"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of Kiwi's laying turf out front."

[Coss]

A Kiwi, an Englishman, and an Australian walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"

[Coss]

I was recently turned down on my application for an Australian green card, on account of my criminal record.

Bit fucking ironic is it not?

[Coss]

While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.

True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second, "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules, and we own a Holden VK Commodore."

The second man replies "Fuck off, ya towelhead."

[Coss]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

 

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

 

Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

 

We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

 

- - -

 

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

 

Depends how much you've been drinking.

 

- - -

 

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the rail-road tracks (Sweden)?

 

Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

 

- - -

 

Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

 

What did your last slave die of?

 

- - -

 

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

 

A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

 

- - -

 

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

 

Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

 

- - -

 

Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

 

Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

 

- - -

 

Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

 

Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

- - -

 

Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

 

You are a British politician, right?

 

- - -

 

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

 

No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

 

- - -

 

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

 

Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

 

- - -

 

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

 

It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

- - -

 

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

 

Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

 

- - -

 

Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

 

Yes, gay night clubs.

 

- - -

 

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

 

Only at Christmas.

 

- - -

 

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

 

Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

 

- - -

 

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

 

Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

 

-=-=-=

 

that was fun