Any New Jokes

[bust]

[radioman]

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:-

 

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o'the puddin' race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:

Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...."

 

The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:-

 

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:-

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,

O what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle

I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!"

 

"Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

 

"No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

[Coss]

Chinese Tourists

 

 

 

 

 

[Coss]

No comment required

 

 

 

 

[limbo]

Irish Plane Crash - latest news -

"Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night…"

 

Tommy Cooper 1921-1984

[Mekong]

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:-

 

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o'the puddin' race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:

Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...."

 

The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:-

 

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:-

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,

O what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle

I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!"

 

"Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

 

"No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

 

I am waiting for you with your Coat

[Guest]

Nothing says, "Your an old fat ugly bastard, with no personality." quite like having a Thai wife.

[waerth]

I have a joke:

 

There is this guy logged into a forum about Thailand and he says:

I am a Thai woman.

[My Penis is hungry]

555 - good one! The funny thing is "IF" "SHE" was a "SHE" then why would she hate Thai women so much to say that? Frankly points to being a man! And a misogynist at that!

[The_Munchmaster]

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:-

 

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o'the puddin' race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:

Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...."

 

The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:-

 

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:-

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,

O what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle

I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!"

 

"Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

 

"No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

 

I'd forgotten about this one, so thanks for that. However it does works better with shorter Burns quotes, particularly if you plan to tell it!