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At the Pearly Gates

 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

 

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

 

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

 

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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On similar lines, but this is true.   MLG wants to send a small parcel to the USA from NZ. OK Wrap it and we're off to the post office. Post it in Mid December. No tracking, too expensive.   After

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A Chinese Olympic woman swimmer was talking with one of her team members about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.

 

When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my testicles."

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

 

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

 

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

 

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

 

Officer: The car is stolen?

 

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

 

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

 

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

 

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

 

Driver: Yes, sir.

 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

 

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

 

It was valid.

 

Captain: Who's car is this?

 

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

 

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

 

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

 

Driver: No problem.

 

Trunk is opened; no body.

 

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

 

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

 

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

 

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

 

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere….'

 

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REFERENCE

 

THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:

 

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

 

Sd/-

 

Project Leader

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

 

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the

report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd

numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.

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THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE.

 

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

 

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

 

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

 

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

 

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

 

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

 

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

 

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

 

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

 

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

 

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

 

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

 

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

 

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

 

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

 

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

 

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

 

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

 

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A Public Service Message . . . . .

 

Wine and Water

 

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..and those who don't.

 

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

 

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

 

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .

 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

 

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A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

 

The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

 

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

 

"Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

 

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests? "

 

"Pay first", says the bartender. "Those are the rules."

 

So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

 

"OK", the bartender says, "here's what you need to do. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila ... the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it."

 

"Second, there's a pit bull chained out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands."

 

"Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

 

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things .."

 

"Your call", says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

 

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

 

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.

 

Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

 

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then.... silence.

 

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

 

"Now", he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

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Yeah, where's that ol' lady with the sore tooth?

 

Some newspaper clippings here, quite good...

 

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/10/01/Its-in-the-Newspaper-So-It-Must-Be-True.aspx

 

I like the one where...

 

Army vehicle disappears.

 

An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage...

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