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Didn't have my camera last night but what I saw would have made an interesting flick.


One of our male dogs porked the female dog and got stuck. She went one way with him following with his head pointed in the opposite direction.


I have seen them fark before so this didn't interest me.


What surprised me was when our other male dog came up and started humping the female dog .... while the other male dog was still stuck to her.

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It started raining, so I took shelter in a peekaboo sex shop. I paid 50 quid and was confronted by 3 doors reading blonde, brunette and black.


I chose blonde, only to be confronted by 3 more doors reading small tits, medium tits and big tits.


I chose big tits, only to be confronted by yet another 3 doors! They read small cunt, large cunt and wet cunt.


I chose wet cunt and found myself back outside in the fecking rain! :banghead:


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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."


"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our s*x lives in public!"


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

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I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.


A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'


I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'




Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.


Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.




I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.


Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.






I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.






A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'


I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '






I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change'


I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'






Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.


I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!â€





An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.


A man asks ‘What is wrong’??


The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’


‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??


The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment’.








I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.




Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'






Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!





Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.






I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’






Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’??


The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket’.




I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair�?


The answer I should have given was “Fijiâ€

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  • 2 weeks later...

While walking through the woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.


Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"


"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.


"You gotta be kiddin' me."


"No, would you like to give it a try?"


Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."


So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.


With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"


He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day".

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