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Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"


Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."


The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."


She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.


The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.


Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."


The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."


Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.


He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."


The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."


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This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies...


Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows How

many takes).


Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery

Must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it

without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants]as you




This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and

her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard

frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.


The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let

Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six

dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.


At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

suddenly the clock struck twelve. ""Mist all chucking frighty!!!"" said

Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping

her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on

Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Sud denly, Betty

Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.


""Who's fust jarted??"" asked the prandsome hince.


""Blame that fugly ucker over there!!"" said Mary Hinge. When the

stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the

sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.


Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

halls and a hig bard on.


He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.


Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.


After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."


So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


There are 10 commandments, not 12.


There are 12 disciples, not 10.


Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.


When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".


The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".


The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he heard:








Walking faster, he looked back and through the fog he made out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.








Terrified, the man began to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him












He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in and slammmed and locked the door behind him.


However, the casket crashed through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...








The terrified man ran upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, his heart pounding, his head reeling and his breath coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket broke down the door, bumping and clapping towards him.


The man screamed and reached for something, anything, but all he could find was a bottle of Robitussin!


Desperate, he threw the cough syrup at the casket...







(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stopped!

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Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through. Can you help?"


Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"


Customer: "It's on the door of your business."


Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."




Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"


Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."


Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Can you give me the number?"


Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."




Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."


Customer: "OK."


Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"


Customer: "No."


Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again Do you see a pop-up menu?"


Customer: "No."


Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up to this point?"


Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."




Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"


Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"



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A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.


The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says.... "Your finger is broken."

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Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when

suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fat boy,

whip me, whip me!"


Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not

have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the

window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until

they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.


About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping

session were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor. The

doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks

having sex??


Fiona, a little embarrassed that she had slept with Steve (let alone that

she'd allowed the kinky devil to whip her) eventually admitted that, yes,

she did.


Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I thought so, because in all

my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that

I've ever seen."

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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and getme slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's twostunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

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Dead Duck...




A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."


The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.


"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled

out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" she cried. "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"


The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .

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