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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.


One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore.


For $5.00 I'd take off my clothes and streak through that stupid Flower Show!!"


"You're on!", said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.


The first old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely nude, streaked..as fast as an

elderly lady can...through the front door of the Flower Show.


Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud applause and shrill whistling.


The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.


"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.


"I won 1st Prize for the Best Dried Arrangement!"

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A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.


As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.


'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.


'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.


Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.


'Look, nothing's worth that. ..... I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean? You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.


The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night.


For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.


Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats.


He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.


The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'


The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, â??He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!â??


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Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.


Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.


Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear arses downstairs and grace 'Mummy Bear' with your grumpy presence, listen CAREFULLY, because I'm going to say this only once: I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"

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Siamese twins walked into a bar in Ontario and parked themselves on a stool. The landlord stared in amazement.


"Don't mind us," one twin said. "We're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."


The landlord tried to make polite conversation as he poured their beers. "Been on holiday yet?"


"Off to England next month," said John. "We go every year and rent a car and drive for miles."


"Ah, England!" said the landlord. "Wonderful country ... the history, the ale, the culture."


"Nah, we don't care about that Limey stuff. Hamburgers and Molsons beer, that's for us, eh Jim?"


"So why do you keep going to England?" asked the landlord.


"It's the only time Jim gets to drive."




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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a filling station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the young alien addressed it. 'Greetings, Earth creature. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'


The gas pump, naturally, didn't respond.


The young alien repeated his greeting in a louder voice. 'I said greetings, Earth creature. We come in peace, dammit. Now take us to your leader!'


The older alien spoke up. 'I'd calm down if I were you.'


The young alien ignored him and this time shouted. "Goddamit, earthling. YOU'LL TAKE ME TO YOUR FUCKING LEADER RIGHT NOW, IF YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"


Again, there was no response.


Annoyed no end, the alien drew his laser pistol, aimed at the pump and said, "Listen here, dirtbag. TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER OR I WILL BLOW YOUR ASS INTO THE NEXT GALAXY!'


The older alien interupted again. 'I don't think you should do that. You don't want to make him anry.'


'Nonsense,' said the young alien. "Watch this.' He took careful aim and fired. Suddenly, there was an explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the young alien off his feet. The charred ET landed 200 yards away in a cactus patch, his companion landing nearby.


When the young alien regained consciousness, he focused his oval eyes, straightened his bent antennae and looked at the older, wiser alien who was in only lightly better shape.


'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, alien in amazement. 'He damn near killed us both! How did you know he was so dangerous?'


The older alien placed a hand on his friend's still smoking shoulder and said, 'There's one important thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels. You never ... ever ... mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it into his ear.'



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A man and his wife leave a party in their car late one night. After a couple of miles a police car signals the man to pull over. The policeman walks over to the car.


"Good evening, sir", he says. "Do you realise that you were doing 60 mph in a 55 mph zone?"


"I'm afraid I didn't", the man says. "I must have put my foot down to keep up with the traffic. I'm terribly sorry."


"He's lying, officer," the man's wife suddenly shouts.


"He clearly told me he was going to thrash the car's arse off to get back in time for the football.


"The policeman nods his head. I also noticed you were weaving in and out of the traffic in a reckless manner," he says.


"Yes, I was," the man replies. "An insect flew into my eye and I lost control for a moment. I'm very sorry. Next time Iâ??ll pull over."


"He's such a liar," the man's wife interrupts again. "He was laughing like a madman and pretending to be James Hunt.


"At this point the man finally snaps. For fucks sake woman, he bellows. "Shut your blabbering mouth before I fill it!"


"Does he always speak to you like this? the cop asks the wife.


"Oh no, officer," the wife says. "Only when he's had eight pints and a couple of bottles of wine."

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