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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, â??Esther, Iâ??d like to ride in that helicopter.â??


Esther always replied, â??I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollarsâ??


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, â??Esther, Iâ??m 85 years old. If I donâ??t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.â??


To this, Esther replied, â??Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.â??


The pilot overheard the couple and said, â??Folks Iâ??ll make you a deal. Iâ??ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I wonâ??t charge you! But if you say one word, itâ??s fifty dollars.â??


Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.


When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, â??By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didnâ??t. Iâ??m impressed!â??


Morris replied, â??Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!â??

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A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpaâ??s room.

â??Grandpa, Grandpa!â? he says excitedly, â??As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!â?Â

â??What?â? said his grandpa.

â??Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, weâ??re going to Disneyland!!!â?Â

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.


The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said, â??Things are great and Iâ??ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?â?Â


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.


â??I have an older friend much like you who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the waterâ??s edge. He realized heâ??d left his gun at home and so he couldnâ??t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went â??bang , bangâ??.â?Â


â??Miraculously two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now what do you think of that ?â? asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, â??Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.â?Â


The doctor replied, â??My point exactly.â?Â

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and

while heâ??s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs

some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs

the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, â??Did you see what your monkey just

did?â? The guy says, â??No, what?â? â??He just ate the cue ball off my pool

table - whole!â? says the bartender. â??Yeah, that doesnâ??t surprise me,â?Â

replies the patron. â??He eats everything in sight, the little twerp.

Iâ??ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.â? He finishes his drink, pays his

bill, and leaves. Two weeks later heâ??s in the bar again, and he has

his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running

around the bar again.


While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the b

bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. â??Did you see what your monkey did now?â?Â

â??Now what?â? asks the patron. â??Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up

his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!â? says the barkeeper.


â??Yeah, that doesnâ??t surprise me,â? replies the patron. â??He still eats

everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he

measures everything first!â?Â

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From Bob Hope, RIP...


ON TURNING 70 'You still chase women, but only downhill'.


ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'




'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'


ON TURNING 100 ' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'


ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 'I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them..'


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'


ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS ' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'


ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER ' When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'.'


ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'


ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'


ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'


ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

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