Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

An Australian couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 18 inches long. When a tribal male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches.

 

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?'

 

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

 

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?'

 

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

 

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 9 inches?'

 

'No, it's turned black.'

[The_Munchmaster]

Leroy and Jan go to a revival and listen to the preacher.

 

After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

 

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.'

 

Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

 

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays for Leroy.

 

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

 

Leroy replies, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!

[Torneyboy]

An Scottish couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 18 inches long. When a tribal male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches.

 

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?'

 

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

 

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?'

 

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

 

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 9 inches?'

 

'No, it's turned black.'

 

 

[CTO]

Someone explain hearing one to me please

[The_Munchmaster]

It's a play on the meaning of the word hearing. In Leroys case he's referring to a court hearing.

[teddy]

Hearing as in what you use your ears for and hearing as in court hearing, get it

[The_Munchmaster]

TB, when you changed 'Australian' to 'Scottish' you should also have changed 'An' to 'A' as in 'An Australian couple' / 'A Scottish couple'.

 

The moral of this is, if your grammar is dodgy then don't fuck with another man's jokes.

[CTO]

Ahhh - hearing as in court hearing - got it!

 

Wasn't that much more funny -

[Flashermac]

From the late George Carlin:

 

 

- I donâ??t have pet peeves â?? I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

 

- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

 

- Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. Thatâ??s just common sense!

 

- A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

 

- Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

 

- I wanna live. I donâ??t wanna die. Thatâ??s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

 

- I used to be Irish Catholic. Now Iâ??m an American; you know, you grow.

 

- You canâ??t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

 

- If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

 

- Honesty may be the best policy, but itâ??s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

 

- If itâ??s true that our species is alone in the universe, then Iâ??d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

 

- No one knows whatâ??s next, but everybody does it.

 

- There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you canâ??t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. â??All of you words over here, you sevenâ?¦ baaaad words.â? Thatâ??s what they told us, right? You know the seven, donâ??t ya? That you canâ??t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfer and tits.

 

- The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, â??You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Iâ??m just not close enough to get the job done.â?Â

 

- The reason I talk to myself is because Iâ??m the only one whose answers I accept.

 

- Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

 

- Religion has convinced people that thereâ??s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnâ??t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

 

- Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

 

- If it requires a uniform, itâ??s a worthless endeavor.

 

- You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

 

- Soft rock music isnâ??t rock, and it ainâ??t music. Itâ??s just soft.

 

- Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, â??You show me a tropical fruit and Iâ??ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.â?Â

 

- As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

 

- If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

 

- The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

 

- I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

 

- I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

 

- If youâ??ve got a cat and a leg, youâ??ve got a happy cat. If youâ??ve got a cat and two legs, youâ??ve got a party.

 

- You can prick your finger ... just donâ??t finger your prick.

 

- By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

 

- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

 

- Isnâ??t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do â??practiceâ?�

 

- I donâ??t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

 

- I think itâ??s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

 

- When youâ??re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When youâ??re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

 

- Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

 

- I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

 

- I never joined the Boy Scouts. I donâ??t trust any organization that has a handbook.

 

- Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldnâ??t want to fuck in the first place? Thereâ??s such balance in nature.

 

[Dumsoda]

...Doctor "Dan" had slept with 1 of his patients and felt really guilty....

No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming!!

But every once in a while he would hear an "inner voice" re assure him...saying....

"Dan" don't worry about it. You aren't the first Doctor to sleep with 1 of their patients...and you won't be the last....besides you're a single guy....just let it go......relax.....

 

 

 

 

...But invariably "the other internal voice" would bring him back to reality with an almighty thud.... whispering into his ear......

 

 

 

 

"Dan".....you're a fucking Vet......