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Three Doctors walk into a bar together and discuss surgeries they had performed. The first one said, "Iâ??m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."


The second doctor said, "Thatâ??s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a

gold medal in field events in the Olympics."


The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into

a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horseâ??s ass and a cowboy hat. Now heâ??s president of the United


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A man boards an airplane for a trip and as he sits down he sees the man beside him has a black eye. This amuses him as he has a black eye also. They look at each other and laugh.


The first man finally asks, "How did you get that shiner?"


The second man replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister. I was at the counter buying my ticket this morning and the girl behind the counter had the most gorgeous boobs I have ever seen. I looked at her and meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh, but I actually asked for a picket to Titsburgh. She got pissed off and smacked me one right in the eye."


After a good laugh, the second man asked the first, "So tell me your tale, how did you get your shiner?"


The second man replied, "Same way, a tongue twister. This morning I was at the breakfast table and meant to ask my wife to pour me a bowl of cornflakes, but I actually said, You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

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Memorable quotes:



Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'" - Eleanor Roosevelt


"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain


"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." - George Burns


"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge


"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain


"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates


"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx


"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante


"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor


"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." - Alex Levine


"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." - Rodney Dangerfield


"Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." - Spike Milligan


"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP." - Joe Namath


"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope


"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - W. C. Fields


"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers


"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you." - Winston Churchill


"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller


"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal






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An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.


'How many children?' asks the council worker.


'10' replies the Essex girl.

'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'


'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and



'Doesn't that get confusing?'


'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out

playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S

READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'


'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.


'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

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An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a

garment on the counter.


'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.


'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.


'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'

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An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.


Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'


Girl: 'OK'

Medic: 'What's your name?'


Girl: ' Sharon .'


Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?'


Sharon : 'Yes.'


Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'


Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'

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