what can i do? trust her........?

[soongmak]

Dude,

 

 

 

Your GF worked as a freelancer because she needed or wanted the money. I cannot see how she can stop freelancing now if you don?t help her out financially. Have you ever talked about this? Have you asked her if she is able to cope financially without freelancing? I think it is next to impossible to live of 15,000 bhat for a couple of months.

 

 

 

The way I see it, most of these girls cannot afford to fall in love in the western, romantic kind of way. She will probably not see you as a boyfriend, but as a good customer and, maybe, as a friend. You will only be her boyfriend if you show her the necessary commitment. And commitment means helping her out financially until you will get her that visa. All this is going to cost you. You have to do the math to see if you are able and willing to pay for all this. And I do think you have to pay, there?s no reason for her to be faithful to you until you show her that commitment. She has been on the game long enough and she probably heard more lies than is good for her. You have to put your wallet where your mouth is, trust me!

 

 

 

Than there is the trust issue. This is the hardest part. Basically, it is impossible to know if you can trust her. My advice is to treat her like you completely trust her but keep your eyes and ears wide open and look for the lies. Like others said before, if your gut feeling tells you there is something wrong, there probably is.

 

 

 

Bottom line is, getting involved with her is going to cost you. You will have to invest financially and emotionally in her to even have to slightest chance to make it work, while you know that the odds are stacked highly against you. If you have calculated your possible losses and you are still willing to give it a chance, than act fast and go for it!

 

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

 

SOONGMAK

 

 

[pattaya127]

agree with you. but to be a wife, first he has to start with her as GF. Many of us had been in the same boat as you, which gives insight as to the real possibility that there's life after working the scene, while she is still in it. He seems very aware she could still be not outside of it, hence wondering if that's a break of trust or just be patient as visa is in the making (If i can read well and between the lines). I really like your answer to Jittima, BTW.

 

 

 

PS: not important but to address someone as "my boy" is indeed patronizing.

[Guest]

The following is a copy of a post that started a recent thread that is called, "loose contact with my girlfriend." Read the whole thread. You should come here to escort her to your country in person:

 

 

 

 

 

"Here are 4 weeks that I lost the contact with my GF.

 

His telephone does not answer or there is a message which says: Sorry this number is not in service At the moment, try later. She does not answer e-mail that I send. Where as during the last 15 months she sent 190 e-mail to me...

 

I am anxious and I do not know what it is necessary to do.

 

Who has a advice to give me. She must come on June 9 to Switzerland to join me but there I do not know too what will occur and if she will come. She said to me that she had held the ticket in March.

 

And since ,no news.

 

Sorry for the bad english translation."

[Guest]

it wont be posible for me to come to thailand and take her with me. i hope she will make her passport tomorrow or this week which is an important step for the visa procedure. if everything goes the right way in about 4 weeks she´s going to visit me.

 

i ll keep all of you informed.

 

thanx

[ABCinBK]

Dude,

 

 

 

You've gotten quite a few suggestions by now. There are those that argue it doesn't matter what your GF/ex-BG is doing when you are not in LOS, and there are those that argue it does matter. There are does that argue you should get her out of LOS quickly, and those that argue it's best to take time and see how it goes.

 

 

 

My view is that it's best if you keep the following ideas in your plan of action:

 

1) It is more an issue of where you stand in her mind (boyfriend or customer) AND it is also a trust issue.

 

 

 

2) It's best to take your time to find out if she'll last so don't rush getting her over to your country in a mad rush.

 

 

 

I'll elaborate.

 

 

 

For point 1, trust is an issue, but only if taken in the context that girlfriends do lie to you, and in all likelihood you aren't telling her everything about yourself and maybe evening lying to her right now. The question is if she's lying about the big things, and in this case the biggest issue at hand --- if you are perceived by her as her boyfriend, and if so, as her ONLY boyfriend.

 

 

 

If the answer is yes, then if she needs to not be working is really a matter for you and her and your personal priorities. After all, if she's still working but sees you as her only REAL boyfriend, what is the issue with her still being a BG? The issue is if you want this or can handle this, and if so, if it's ok for both of you to know about her still being a BG while having a REAL relationship. If it's ok, then it's not an issue. There are quite a few advantages/disadvantages to being able to accept this openly, if you are not open to paying all her living costs while getting to know her, and depending on you/her views on monogamy in a relationship. By her continuing to work, you won't feel like you are her ATM as much, and she can demonstrate it's not all about your money. It also shows she's not in the biggest hurry, which could indicate she is after marriage/security to anyone or financial support. The whole basis of sexual monogamy within the relationship is also out the door, and this will have future impact even beyound her BG days with you. Depending of if you want or don't want monogamy, this could be a bad or good thing.

 

 

 

Again, the issue of her being a BG is not the issue, unless you make it one. The issue of monogamy is an issue outside of her "working" only because that insinuates she would have another REAL relationship. The non-exclusive sex isn't neccessarily going to mean anything in terms of you being her only REAL boyfriend, if she can differentiate between sex for it's own sake or for money, as compared to a relationship with a man that includes sex as part of the relationship. All this is based on if you can accept a working girl as a girlfriend obviously.

 

 

 

What you need to do is figure out if she considers you her boyfriend, or at least somewhere between customer and boyfriend. A lot of times, you transition into boyfriend.....we all start off as customers at least partially if not fully, if we pay.

 

 

 

Point 2 is that rushing into it is bad. Sure, you could lose her if you move too slow....but only to some poor idiot who rushed in faster than you. The reality is that she may not even know anything real about you, nor you about her. And how much does she really appreciate about moving to another country and leaving Thailand. How much have you thought about the impact on your life and what will be required of you? You will be bringing someone to your country that will completely depend on you. Your costs of living will double or more. This person will be around you 24 hours a day every day. Have you decided you are done with your bachelor days? Have you considered the impact on your income and disposal income? How will your friends and family react to her?

 

 

 

It takes time for both of you to answer these questions and more. It also takes time, lots of personal time, to learn about the unpleasant and real things of each other. Don't be suprised if you learn she is nothing of what you first perceived when you finally learn about the real her. The question is will you still want to be with her?

 

 

 

ABC

[phoenix]

>It takes time for both of you to answer these questions and more. It also takes time, lots of personal time, to learn about the unpleasant and real things of each other. Don't be suprised if you learn she is nothing of what you first perceived when you finally learn about the real her. The question is will you still want to be with her? <

 

 

 

Words of wisdom, obviously backed by personal experience.

 

 

 

I agree with you entirely.

[JJsushi]

" The question is if she's lying about the big things, and in this case the biggest issue at hand --- if you are perceived by her as her boyfriend, and if so, as her ONLY boyfriend."

 

 

 

Great explanation!

 

 

 

Finally someone who understands the dynamics of trust and how they play between a customer and a boyfriend.

 

I have said it too many times alot of guys think they are a boyfriends and in reality they are customers. Where their hearts and dedication are concerned the girls really make a strong differentiation between the 2.

[Guest]

ABCinBK

 

Thanks mate you have just answered a truckload of questions going through my mind

[Guest]

thanx to ABCinBk for your kind hints.

 

but i have to tell u i can not stay together with my gf if she goes "Working" again. just like i said before it counts for me.

 

i can not spend my time here in germany thinking every minute of " who is fu....ng my Gf right now". that´s too hard for me . i tried it when i left her the first time .....oh man i "died". so if she does "it" again no matter if she loves me ,i know what i will have to do and that is finish the relationship.

 

so that´s my opinion

 

thanx to all

[ABCinBK]

Dude,

 

 

 

I understand your view and can imagine your feelings. If you cannot deal with her working then it's best to draw that line, and hold to it even if you must leave. But don't draw too many conclusions from her being committed or no being committed.

 

 

 

However, my personal experience is that I no longer hold women to that line in the beginning of a relationship anymore. After marriage things usually change. After both of you agree it's totally exclusive and she's out of the BG scene altogether it also changes, if you guys agree to exclusive terms.

 

 

 

However, before that, whether in LOS with BG's or your home country with "normal women" you date, I don't hold that line of exclusive sexual monogamy that much. The reason is that I realized a while back that if the gander (guy) wants to play, whether in his past relationships or his current one, then who is he to be jealous when the goose (girl) does the same thing?

 

 

 

I've remembered too many times in my past when I was committed emotionally to a girlfriend, but had liberties with some other girl. I was still committed to my gf at the time, and the other girl was just some momemtary physical fun. Even if there was a bit of flirting or whatever, it was just make-believe.....inside I help my emotional committment.

 

 

 

That made me realize if some guy sowing his seeds for the fun of it could seperate emotional committment and plain sex, then how much easier could a "professional" tell the difference?

 

 

 

The answer is they can tell the difference (the BG's that is). Sometimes they get caught up in the moment of make-believe and slip into emotional love or committment with another guy, but if she's really committed to you and you build a relationship, then odds are she won't, assuming she's geniune.

 

 

 

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't accept her sexual non-committment. I'm just trying to show it's not always the big sign that she's not really your girlfriend (in her mind) that so many people make it out to be.

 

 

 

As a final example, one comment I heard from a BG was that she didn't like how one of her friends (another BG) went and had sex outside of work with another Thai man, thus cheating on her Thai boyfriend. She said "no problem if [he was a] falang [man]". I asked why, she explained the falang would be a customer, and sex for work was ok (implying that it was not emotional cheating but just sex for money (compared to sex for fun for non professionals like sanukers), but sex outside work with another man who's not your boyfriend/husband is wrong (because it would imply emotional interest).

 

 

 

From my observations, the BG's know the difference when they need to.

 

 

 

ABC