thalenoi Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 You don't know how bad it is until you're soaked in it. My GF got a phone call this morning from her mother. Their parents need 150.000 bath to buy some more land for growing rice. I visited them late June and they are simple people trying to make a living on rice cultivation. You trully are poor when that's what you do for a living. They have 5 kids, 1 boy died at age 18 from motorbike accident (house full of photos) and 4 girls (one isn't 18 yet) My GF asked me to give them 10.000 baht, which I did, reluctantly. First I found out the house (200.000 baht) was built by the work of the 3 oldest girls. For buiding the house her boss would advance 30.000 baht for which she had to work for 1 year, so did the other girls and the next year also (bad planning?). In the discussion we had after this mornings phone call I learnt the full 12 years my GF worked in Bangkok was to provide money to the parents. Before that, when she was 14 she worked in the rice field with her father. Now they know she is living with this rich farang and does not work anymore, they might be thinking "why not buy some more land and ask our children (especially the one with the farang?)" I just got bad news myself a few days ago, the dispute I am having with an insurance company who is supposed to pay me a reasonneable indemnity upto the age of 65 is turning sour. They just try to pay as little as possible and seem to be succeeding very well, at the point I have to question my life in LOS. We had painfull discussions on this topic over the last days. 30 minutes later her mother called back, telling they needed 25.000 baht by next month. Increasing the pressure??? It's not clear to me wether they would like to buy land or wether they did buy that land already. I do understand some thai and heard my gf explaining our problems. Since it seems I will be unable to help, I watched my GF hesitating between staying with me or returning to Bangkok to work some more years for her parents. I asked her how many years that would be for her contribution. She looked helpless. At first she was crying and when I left to the internet shop she was smiling and telling me "mai pen rai", it's my problem, ok? I wonder what's going to happen next, but spending your life working to feed your parents and ruin your life for them, I have problems with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
think_too_mut Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 >Now they know she is living with this rich farang and does not work anymore, they might be thinking "why not buy some more land and ask our children (especially the one with the farang?)" Thalenoi, it must be damn hard to look at your gf knowing she must budge to whatever whim her parents come upon her... If you try to reason with her - i.e. how many years of growing and selling rice would return the investment...you may (I wish you don't) discover they are after the land for the sake of owning it. Everything is pointing out you are expected to bear the cost. Only one of the things we have been constantly warned by many other board members. Is there any monthly allowance for her family coming from you? If there is, you can tell them that's all they get, if they don't like it you can always keep that money for yourself. The girls may like us more or less, but at the crunch time, they know their priorities. Not a pleasant situation to be in. Also, sorry to hear your insurance is not working in your favour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThaiHome Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 Well, I'm not ready to condemn a system that has the children taking care of the parents in their old age. I think it is probability better then the western version of pretty much abandoning the parents to be taken care of by the state. That being said, I certainly share your anger at parents taking advantage of their children's perceived good fortune. It is not fair for the child to have to choose between the spouse and the family. It sounds like you have been very open with your GF on your financial situation and she fully understands your problems, just like she fully understands her parent?s problems. What does she do? Why should she have to choose? In my case, so far, I have avoided my wife having the conflict by agreeing to give the money every time, with it coming out of our savings. In your case, it doesn?t sound like that is an option any longer. I have no solution for you, but I really understand your anger. TH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
check_bin_krap Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 This has a lot to do with making things clear in the relationship and setting limits. If you cave in to your GF's and her parents demands you will end up losing every time. Put forward to her what she can expect now and in the future. Don't move an inch on this whatever emotional outburst come. BTW, it does not seem to me that her parents are that poor at all. They have land and an income from this. I also wonder what kind of demands will be put on you if you marry this girl.... BTW, I have been married to a girl with poor farmers as parents. My situation was never like the one which you describe. My ex helped in emergencies, like paying hospital bills. Not on a regular basis. Cheers and good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThaiHome Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 Put forward to her what she can expect now and in the future. Don't move an inch on this whatever emotional outburst come. I think you have missed the point. The point is not if he should pay or not, the point is it is a real shame that the system, and the parents it produced, is causing his gf such pain. Your advice does nothing for her. If you truely care about someone, you don't like to see them in that condition. TH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 Thalenoi, Well, let me tell you how they do that in my GF's family...... She is from a Bangkok middle class family with 9 children, where the parents went to lots of pains to put ALL 9 kids through university, 4 of them even went abroad to study, 1 to the USA, 3 to Australia. She is the youngest and only one still living at home. All nine are contributing 3000 Bt monthly to assist the hospital bills for the sick mother who has to have a weekly dialysis, and as long as they live(d) at home, all also agreed to give them half of their salary. I think that is wonderfull that your own children supports you in your old age. When I worked and still lived at home, my mother forced me to give part of my salary as well, but she saved it and when I left home, I got it all back, that though me to save some. As for what is happening with your GF's parents, I think that is more exploitation than taking care in old age. Just my 2 eurocent Cheers ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThaiHome Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 Similar to one of my Thai colleges. From a southern farming family, he has 3 siblings that have gone to university, and a sister that stayed home and takes care of farm and parents. Each sibling contributes monthly, he doesn?t mind the monthly amount, but the "emergency" levies give him fits (mainly because of the fits it causes his wife). TH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
check_bin_krap Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 "I think you have missed the point. The point is not if he should pay or not, the point is it is a real shame that the system, and the parents it produced, is causing his gf such pain. Your advice does nothing for her. If you truely care about someone, you don't like to see them in that condition. TH " To blame the "system" is far too easy. Or do you mean that all daughters of poor farmers from Isaan get into the same situation? Thats not my experience. There might be other motives involved here, thats difficult for me to say though as I don't know enough about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
think_too_mut Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 Not all requests from their parents come from a well founded need. 2 months ago my gf had a "question" from her mother if it would be possible to buy them a pig farm. According to her, it was a bargain, a vast block of land with a pond in the middle and a habitable house. Surprise, surprise: the price was 150K. That must be a figure that endorses their daughter's capabilities. She really wanted to make her mother happy until an offer was made: I would chip in 100K , she sells her gold (from her past, stashed somewhere, saw ot once but she never puts any of it on) and we go for it. And that the land must be in her (gf's) name. With some effort, she was able to convince her mother that daughter's long term happines was more important, that they knew nothing about pigs, had no truck, no initial money to start the production, were too old to work, had no other family members to work in it... The family (mother and father) get monthly allowance from her and haven't complained as yet. Not in writing, at least.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 12, 2002 Report Share Posted September 12, 2002 Hi thalenoi, Shit dude.........I've followed your relationship with Mee from the beginning. Up till now, seemed like a great success story. Can any Thai/farang relationship work? It would seem the odds are stacked against us. In the end, it would seem, that if you like Thai girl, you had better be ready to support her, and her entire family. End of story.......you will always be called to do so at some point. Has this very real aspect of Thai life been disscussed between you two before? HT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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