Rotten system: children supporting parents

[jasmine]

Hello,

 

"(and that may have been the reason the request was made). "

 

 

 

You got a point there, I wonder though, why these parents cannot have enough.

 

 

 

It is sad to see a woman who had done the parents supporting for many years still received terrible pressure to do more.

 

 

 

It is difficult for some Thais to realize that Western people, like everyone else can have difficult times financially, I heard once form some Thais that the difficulties can be solved so easily in the West, did not understand what they said.

 

 

 

I just wish she could explain to the family that she could not do any more. My sincere emphathy.

 

 

 

Regards,

[jasmine]

Hello,

 

"No sense of making the money work or keep it for hard times. "

 

 

 

The money management concept is lacking terribly with lots of Thais people.

 

My brother works as a lawyer for the province my family lives in. And at work there is a bank (similar to a Credit Union in the USA) which lets all the members know how much they can borrow. He said 98% of his co-workers borrow to the max. His ex-boss (it is good that he is an ex) wanted my brother to let him use my brother's credit to get a loan, (my brother would have to co-sign) which would have made my brother responsible for the loan, and that was the intent. Actually, I was in Thailand that time and I remember the pressure my brother had for the threat of losing his job came with it. My brother just said "Go ahead, fire me, I am documenting what you are doing". My brother had to live with the hostility from his boss until the man were removed.

 

 

 

Most of the Thais sure cannot manage theit money.

 

 

 

Cheers!

[Guest]

i really believe for a lot of thais, money is to be spent.

 

 

 

Which not only explains why they are many, many poor people, but also why the relatively few who are rich are filthy rich. It's like the proverbial one-eyed man in the kingdom of blind...

[Guest]

or pay now and never let money be visible again.

 

There is no guarantee you will not receive further requests

 

 

 

I'd say it is the exact opposite, a guarantee that you will receive more requests.

[thalenoi]

"You can afford it because of that 40k in the bank account (and that may have been the reason the request was made). She will be looking at that as liquid and expect you to be willing to help her mother with it. So if you don't you don't love her or her family."

 

 

 

Her phone has been ringing a lot lately.

 

The latest news is they need 30k baht asap (today?) to make a downpayment.

 

 

 

The 40k is in her bankaccount, but the family did not know (I transferred it form my account to hers 6 weeks ago and she had no contact with her familly until this request hit us a few days ago) and yesy, she considers this money to be hers (and she is right about this), only the purpose will be deturned.

 

 

 

At 7am this morning her phone rang again. She said she had to go to the bank today (sunday) to retrieve 30k. Well she can't on a sunday. Her sister, not having any money would reimburse her in 3 monthly downpayments of 5000 baht.

 

 

 

The discussion turned sour. I proposed to give her an other 10k to morrow and withdraw 20k from her account. That leaves her with 20k to take care of herself when I will be away 10 days from now.

 

 

 

I purchased a ticket back to LOS on nov 9th and I have time to reconsider my options. I asked how the other 120k would be paid for. "They have years to do that" answer gives me bad vibres.

 

 

 

If I would have the 150k I might have wished the land to be put in her name, but that is not an option right now.

 

Indeed, it is clear their demands will not stop here, and depending on the insurance outcome I might decide that life like this becomes impossible and the only way out might be to end the relationship.

 

 

 

Over the last 4 months I will have "helped" the familly with 40k. The possible return of 15k funds from the sister will go to Mee, I won't see anything of it. Again, if I had 1 million baht in my bankaccount I would provide the 150k and make clear that's the end of it.

 

 

 

It's also clear Mee has a huge problem, being torn apart between her parents and losing me. But I am convinced losing me will be the choice between loving her parents and myself. She will return working for a "boss" to reimburse her parents debt unless I am willing to continue financing our relationship. For me it's not a question of willing but of having the financial resources.

 

 

 

Remembers me Victor Hugo in "Les Miserables" mentionning the sacrifice of life of nuns to wash the crimes of misbehaving human beings.

 

 

 

All very sad indeed.

[lopburi3]

It seems things are not getting better. My Thai half can not believe things are as stated and, perhaps from recent Thai news stories, points out that all too many times requests such as this are not as they seem. Boyfriends from the past and gambling debts are probably the most common reasons for money requests. Although they will always speak of helping the family in many, if not most cases, the money never gets to the family.

 

There are very few families these days that would place their children in the position your girl claims to be in. And even fewer children that would accept it. My wife claims she is 95% sure it is a scam. I am not that sure, but it sure does not make much sense even to my trusting self. Can you really be sure she has not arranged this?

 

If she can not accept your consul at this point believe it would be best to end it sooner rather than later.

 

If she is honest the family will kill you both - if not she will continue to take you - in either case, not a pleasant life.

 

The threat to 'work' it off if you will not provide this money strikes me as a very bad omen for a continued relationship. She should be very proud that you have given 40k help over the last four months rather than trying to make you lose face.

[Guest]

[color:blue]it seems that the girls get the burden because they make money, while the brothers lay back and play around, or jiust sleepcolor=blue>

 

 

 

Yep. This is a point I made earlier, the women seem to bear a disproportionate share of the burden.

 

 

 

I find it interesting to compare and contrast my wife with a previous serious relationship with a different Thai girl. The previous girl has a family constantly getting into little and not-so-little jams, brothers wrecking motorcycles and not being held accountable, debts piling up, completely irresponsible beavior with respect to money, etc. The wife's family is actually poorer, but *very* few requests for money and such requests are (a) not really of an 'emergency' nature and ( for small amounts.

 

 

 

Interesting that the wife has no brothers, in fact very few men around at all. The previous girl has 2 brothers and in general a more normal balance of men and women in the family. In my experience Isaan men can be a very destabilizing influence if idle.

[check_bin_krap]

"it seems that the girls get the burden because they make money, while the brothers lay back and play around, or jiust sleep"

 

 

 

I find a weird contradiction in this thread. On one hand the Isaan men are lazy no gooders. On the other hand the husbands are relied upon to provide for the whole big family now and forever.

 

 

 

Where did these expectations and role models come from? Certainly not from the Isaan men.. I suspect this is a case of farangs being treated as ATM machines. And not a cultural Thai role model thing which can not be changed...

 

 

 

Those who end up in this sorry state should fight it, or move on if the battle is lost.

 

 

 

I find it interesting that the exact same situation is found in Cuba, for foreigners married to Cubanas.

 

 

 

Cheers!

[Guest]

[color:blue]I find a weird contradiction in this thread. On one hand the Isaan men are lazy no gooders. On the other hand the husbands are relied upon to provide for the whole big family now and forever.

 

 

 

Where did these expectations and role models come from? Certainly not from the Isaan men.. I suspect this is a case of farangs being treated as ATM machines.color=blue>

 

 

 

I'm not sure this is really the case. Is it equally possible that whoever has the money is expected to help out according to his ability? Possibly a Thai man in the same situation would face the same issues and treatment. Of course, Thai society is not exactly socially mobile, so the chances of a Thai man with money being in this situation with a poor village girl are about nil, and so we have nothing to compare against.

 

 

 

I am not intending to contradict you, just adding to the debate.

 

 

 

One other data point: would we agree that "big picture thinking" is not in general a Thai trait? They see the immediate problem, and if they percieve that someone bound by family ties is possibly in a position to help, there is little analysis beyond that simple perception.

[check_bin_krap]

"One other data point: would we agree that "big picture thinking" is not in general a Thai trait? They see the immediate problem, and if they percieve that someone bound by family ties is possibly in a position to help, there is little analysis beyond that simple perception"

 

 

 

That could certainly be the case sometimes. It seems a reasonable explanation that the one with cash bears the burden when problems happen.

 

 

 

But it seems to me that so many of the examples goes beyong problem solving? Its about getting more land, getting motorbikes and improving oneself by material things. Thats the unbearable in all this.

 

 

 

Cheers!