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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."


Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,


"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"




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  • 2 weeks later...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’ So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.


On his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.


12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.


13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.




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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.


When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"


The blonde replied, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."


The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" and the blonde replied, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face".

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Understanding Engineers


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"


The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"


The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"


The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.


The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"


The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."


The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie's pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."


The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?"


Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"


The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"


The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!


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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?


Little Old Lady: I am 90 years old.


Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady: I was sitting in my swing on my front porch enjoying the evening, when a young man came onto the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney: Did you know him?


Little Old Lady: No, but he was friendly.


Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?


Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.


Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?


Little Old Lady: No, I didn't.


Defense Attorney: Why not?


Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my Albert died 30 years ago.


Defense Attorney: What happened next?


Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.


Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?


Little Old Lady: No, I didn't.


Defense Attorney: Why not?


Little Old Lady: It made me feel excited. I hadn't felt that good in years!


Defense Attorney: What happened next?


Little Old Lady: I was feeling so hot that I laid down and said, "Take me. Take me now!"


Defense Attorney: Did he?


Little Old Lady: No! He smiled and yelled, "April Fool!" That's when I shot the son of a bitch.



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