How far would you go??

[Guest]

In many post we can read about the importance of family to a TG. This is especially the case for TG's from poorer upcountry families. A substantial part of what they earn is send to mom.

 

This issue has come up in several threads.

 

When in a LT relationship with a TG (not necessarity a BG), how far would you go in supporting her family? Would you go as far a building a new house, or just send a monthly amount?

Who you support the family at all?

 

Although I have very limited personal experience in this myself, my own position would be:

 

Yes I would support, but only if that support goes to improving income potential, or development of the younger generation. Just giving a large amount to build a new house, with no improvement of income level to maintain the house (same allies to cars, trucks, motobikes) makes not sense IMO.

 

f a family member would ask me to help financially, they would have to specify the reason, and show me the results if my investment regularly.

I would for instance support education for kids of brothers and sisters. I could also help invest in farm expansion or in starting to farm other more profitable products.

 

[Torneyboy]

Hi,

 

 

My Tg wife is one of three sisters all living in Sydney.

My wife has a son 9ys living with her parents in BKK.

She/we send ..varies a bit each month but 10-20k.

The other two sisters also send but not sure how much.

 

The sisters (before i married her) have built onto the house and AC etc over last 6 years or so.

 

If the family is in need of something it is done ..thats the way they are (sisters)that is.

[Guest]

absolute agreement.

just spreading large amounts of money will more often than not achieve just the opposite than intended.

nothing will replace personal involvement, and the gradual building up of face and respect through that.

[soongmak]

Orandodes,

 

It's not about how far you are willing to go, it's also up to your GF. Consider for instance my situation: My GF makes money for herself and sends the major part to her family to support them. How can I say she can't do that? After al, it's money she makes herself.

 

Still, the sending money part is one of the issues that bothers me the most. My GF is an orphan, but she sends money to her sister to help her support her family (consisting of a husband and two children). My problem is this: They live in an area where jobs are scarce, and they supplement their income by growing corn. If you look at the costs of growing the crops and harvesting the corn, and you also take into consideration bad crops and crops lost, the growing of corn only gives them an income about 2,000 baht a month. I'd say that is a bad investment.

 

My idea is that her sister and her husband, who are both in their mid-twenties, should be able to take care of themselves, and sending them money only means that they don't have to think for themselves how they can improve their situation. If I was out of a job, I was always willing to move if I could get a job elsewhere. Her family only wants to stay in their hometown and rely on my GF to send money when things get tight. Because of her attachment to her sister's children, she usually gives in. If I try to bring this up, my gf gets emotional and is unwilling to discuss the situation.

 

Although I would love to stop sending money, I still haven't come up with an idea how to turn the situation of her family around. In the meantime my GF keeps sending the money. But what can you do? If you would have any idea how to handle this, I for one would love to hear this.

 

Cheers,

 

soongmak

 

 

[Redbaron]

Tough one,

As a rule, it's something I wouldn't do. The TGF agrees with me on this one. She sees it as her 2 brothers' responsibility if it's needed. At the moment it's not, cos her mum works, owns her own house (with her sister), car and bike.

i don't have a problem taking 'gifts' like food, clothing, books for the kids but I wouldn't send monthly allowances because I just don't know where that would go. I'd also want to avoid, at all costs, requests for more. Better to start at zero and keep it there. If they ask for money, I'd ask what it's to be spent on, and maybe just buy it for them.

Education would be something I'd be willing to pay for as well. Assuming I had the means of course.

[Stickman]

I admire guys who are willing to provide support for her family but personally, I am not. For that reason, I wouldn't marry a girl from a very poor background as I know what may be expected, and I am not prepared to assist.

 

I am happy to pick up the tab whenever I am upcountry and always make a significant contribution, but as for actually sending hard cash, no way.

 

Stick

[Guest]

>>>For that reason, I wouldn't marry a girl from a very poor background as I know what may be expected, and I am not prepared to assist.<<<

 

 

in most cases supporting family (or helping to) is not just a thing of poor people here, it is very much part of the customs of most social classes.

in that sense one might be better off sometimes to be with someone of a poor background - the amounts are often very minor (a few hundred baht here, a thousand there in some emergencies). better off families often expect much larger amounts.

of course you always have the right to refuse assisting, but that can bring several problems along. first, you might not get assitance of the family if you need it (and as it is thailand - there are situation where you will need such an assistence).

secondly, it may become a serious strain in your relationship if you that way alienate you wife from her family and people might find themselves either single, or their wives helping their families behind your back.

the next matter is of course the face (as usual).

 

there is no guide to assiting or not, it has to be judged individually, and a certain middle way has to be found. because you don't just marry your wife (as nowadays in the west), you marry into her family. as per thai tradition a husband moves into the wife's family, and not the other way around as with chinese families (and even they have somewhat adapted tpo thai customs).

you may argue that you as a westerner do not need to adhere to that, but as your wife is thai, you might have to compromise to a certain degree (if you don't want to risk losing her).

you also may argue that in the modern thailand those traditions are not valid anymore. in some ways right, but there will always be remnants of the old ways even in the most modern people left.

 

often it is not spoken about what is expected of you, it is at most hinted at, but nevertheless - one cannot categorically refuse, and expect to live happily without finding the right compromise.

 

[khunsanuk]

Hi,

 

"absolute agreement."

Same here. My wife does send cash every month (3,500 Baht), but the main reason for this is that her parents raise her daughter.

 

On top of that she sometimes helps out in other ways. Her brother-in-law rents the land she bought last year, and the plan is to now buy 2 cows for her father to raise.

 

In return, we often get a shitload of food when we return from spending time there. Also her brother-in-law and father build a seperate room for us. Took them 3 months, payment was flatout refused (but still given anyway of course).

 

Sanuk!

 

[llso]

As I have indicated in a previous post I have paid for and built a house in my wife?s village. It was a house that they were already building but ran out of money. It set me back about 200 K Bt. not a lot of money at the time for me. My main reasons for doing it was that my wife and I have a child together and I figured whatever happens at least they will have a decent place to live. My brother in-laws and family worked on the house for free. They have also made some small improvements themselves. Mama and Papa live in the downstairs we have the upstairs ?for us?. I do spend a week or so every couple of month?s there and now have a nice place to stay including a Falang toilet.

 

We do send some money every month mostly from my wife?s 100 Bt/day allowance. I usually kick in a few hundred baht or so too. They have never been greedy and are actually quite self-sufficient.

We also send a bit more during the planting and harvesting of the rice. They actually keep some rice for us in the barn as a sort of dividend. They have also brought us rice on the train when they come to visit. We hardly spend any money on food when we are there but I do spring for some beer and kanoms for the kids.

I really don?t mind helping them out a bit as they are quite poor and don?t have much hard cash. The middle sister inherited the old house, which was essentially a shack when the new one was completed. I had visions of tearing it down to create more of a yard but didn?t realize she would want it as a home. She is now pregnant and we will send her a thousand or so when the baby is born.

 

All in all the family has been great and been very accepting of me. They are a breath of fresh air from my first Thai girlfriend whose family was in serious debt and the father was an alcoholic who kept mortgaging the family property and everything away. Ok for them now as she found an old rich Falang benefactor who has bailed them out. However I was told they are right back in debt again. She was supposed to be the good one with a university degree and everything.

 

Well that?s how far I went !

 

[pattaya127]

Anything can happen, depending on individual cases but I would suggest to be aware of the whole situation, family-wise, and make sure nothing is taken for granted. Coming from a western education and raised common-sensingly by my parents, no matter how TIT, I do not see any reason why i should give into being financially abused at a loss for my finances and my self-esteem.

Cases where it's happened are taken as lessons not to duplicate it for a lifetime (1), rather than being ensconced in a thai/farang union detrimental to my mental well-being. In short, I do not need that!

 

(1) i have seen to many farangs get in the wrong groove, never being able to extricate themselves from what is expected (if not demanded) from them.