Grabii Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 soongmak, Very true. Life is shades of grey, complicated, and involves compromises. It sound to me like you have to make a decision about how much you want to spend your live with this woman in light of her using your joint money in a manner that you don't entirely agree with. Do you think you can find another woman who you love, and who loves you, as much as with this one, but whose ideas on giving money to the family are more in line with your own? Or, how much money can you tolerate this girlfriend giving before she's no longer worth it? Not easy decisions, and no matter which woman you chose for a girlfriend or wife there will always be something on which you'll have to compromise. Regards, JEff Says SOONGMAK: The questin was about how far YOU are willing to go, not your GF with her own income. Orandodes, Things are never just black and white. It's usually a little more complicated than that. ... Cheers, soongmak Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soongmak Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 but there is a selfsufficiency farming project heavily promoted by the king and the agricultural universities called 'sittakit por pueang'.what is important is that the folks are willing to work hard. every agricultural university holds free courses on that for farmers who are willing to do that, and other benefits and incentitives are given as well. it takes a while to get it up and running, but IMO that is the only feasable long term solution for people like my missus's family. Hi Fly, Your idea sounds promising, but something that needs a lot of investigating on my part, which is a little hard at the time, since I am back in the netherlands. Then again, I never expected any easy solutions. Maybe I can pick your brain on that one later on? Cheers, soongmak Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soongmak Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 It sound to me like you have to make a decision about how much you want to spend your live with this woman in light of her using your joint money in a manner that you don't entirely agree with. Hi Jeffrey, It's nothing dramatic like that. After all, my GF does contribute her fair share of money and most important, effort (!) to the household, and she always talks to me about it first. If we would ever break up, it would almost certainly not be about the money, because she is more than carefull in spending the household budget. My issue is that I do not want her family to rely on us for help. I think everybody should make the effort to make their own living. To complicates matters further is that I do like her sister and her family, they seem to never ask for the money. My GF always chips in voluntarily when she feels that they need the help. I just would rather put the money to a more constructive use like Fly suggested, so they can be selfsufficient in the end. Cheers, soongmak Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
think_too_mut Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 >and our daughter can spend school holidays at the house to get to learn her other side. Its about partnership and trust and how far we will go not just me. We are helping the family have a more comfortable life and helping ourselves at the same time. A win win situation for all LazyPhil, I'm with you. Soon, their (my gf's) house will be the only place we go in Thai (some trips to the shore excluded). Children of our own, I would like them to be Thai as much as possible. They will master English and farang culture, they will be farangs.... but school hols or any other possibilities, I'd like them to be in Thai. The current agreement is (2-4 yrs) - "Endless Summer" for our children. Gets cold in the farangland - she goes to Thai with the kids. Would I mind investing in the dwelling all the family enjoys all year around and the children feel comfortable there? Also, would love to get her sister's children to come to farangland and stay with us during their holidays. Years later, study in farangland if they qualify for some school here. I pay. Perhaps, I could pick on few other posters but no need. This is the "Relationships" section. One has a relationship or ...is a bean counter. Anything simpler than that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThaiHome Posted August 21, 2003 Report Share Posted August 21, 2003 In my case, we send a monthly amount (26K) to her mother, who then divides it between the 2 sisters, brother and grandmother. There are 7 adults and 6 children (ages 1 to 16 years) in the immediate family. The whole family works at farming several plots of land with rice, corn, mangos, etc. They sell the corn, mangos and other stuff they grow, but keep the rice for themselves. The cash we provide each month allows for a level of security that subsistence farmers don't normally have. We have also bought a couple of motorcycles, another walk behind tractor, small house for little sister's family, washing machine, TV?s, etc, etc. The most important thing is no child will ever have to quit school because there is no money. Right now, the oldest nephew is in second year of secondary school, this is the farthest anyone in family as ever gone, and it is a big deal. I have told my wife I don't want any child in the entire village to have to stop school. We have also made several contributions to the local primary school. None of this is a big deal to me, as the cash outlay is not a strain. Not making a big deal of this and letting my wife decide what is appropriate and what we can afford has taken this whole conflict out of our relationship. I realize that my income allows me to do all this with no problem and some other people may not be a position to do so. That is why I think this is a personal decision each person must make and no one else is in a position to judge what is right or wrong or appropriate or inappropriate. TH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 21, 2003 Report Share Posted August 21, 2003 Jasmine, There's a difference between the giving of gifts to the extend one can affort to the ones you love (parents), or the pressure by the parents to give no matter what. In your case you a willing to give to your family because you love them, not because asked to do so. You are able to affort thse gifts and the fact is that your family is able to stand on its own. Absolutely nothing wrong with this and I'm sure that if you would fall on hard times your family will assist you without being asked. For many families this is not the case. There is much pressure on the daughters (I agree with Fly that's this pressure mostly orginated from the mother or other older females in a family) to provide. Thsi pressure to provide makes life in the big city very difficult for the young women as many have little left for their own development. intead of using the money earned in the big city to advance themselves (further education etc.) it is send upcountry to mom, and mostly wasted. Many mothers don't have a long term view that if their duaghter would have a better education, they eventually are able to get a better job with better pay and in the long term will be able to provide for there own family and there parents in a much better way. (Looking at your post you were one of the exceptions and was able to further education and get to where you are now). The pressure to provide often leads to some form of prostitution and a normal paying job does not pay well enough. Those that eventually find husbands that provide for them and their family are considered the lucky ones, but many eventually return to the village, become the mothers themselves and history repeats itself with nothing gained. Up to the level that I can affort, I do not object to providing for ones parents. however, if they are able bodied, or if there are still other sibblings that are able bodied and living close to the parents any form of long term support should go to long term development. The occasional gift is another matter all together. Many people up country are simple but can be hard working with a purpose in life. due to limited education and the general not to positive financial situation they are faced with (ever exsiting debts to middle men etc.) they are often at loss at what to do. But if one can assist in giving them a new purpose in life that after a little time they can see the fruit of their effort, I do believe that one's support is truly worthwhile. Buying gold, a new TV etc for mom definitely does not help anyone in the long run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
think_too_mut Posted August 21, 2003 Report Share Posted August 21, 2003 THAIHOME, Would it be appropriate to say - her family is my family? Any shame with that? If you were ( I hope it never happens) to put a price tag on their (and your wife's esteem, directly corelated) well being, how far could you stand? "I don't want to give, they have never asked, they even give me money" - is not a common reality. Should the families sit still - there is always something we can improve. For them, for us, for the children...I can't see what's wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lazyphil Posted August 21, 2003 Report Share Posted August 21, 2003 I think it boils down to some guys have an ego driven relationship; eg, I'm canny, handsome enough to score a girl whos family is rich enough not to (dare??) ask moi for money and my mrs lub me toooo much to even compromise me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattaya127 Posted August 21, 2003 Report Share Posted August 21, 2003 of course that cases are true, and way too many of those do exist. ------------------------- Thank you! That's all I said. The post was not about with thai men, but i am glad you took that out of your system. PS: thai men have nothing to do with my feeling good or not, but I don't think you directed that remark at me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 21, 2003 Report Share Posted August 21, 2003 >>>PS: thai men have nothing to do with my feeling good or not, but I don't think you directed that remark at me.<<< nah, that was just generally speaking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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