Hamokhamok Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 French fighter pilot Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ‘Pierre, kiss me!’ Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. ‘What are you doing, Pierre ?’ says the startled Marie. ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!’ She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ‘Pierre, kiss me lower.’ Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ‘Pierre! What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie. ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!’ She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Pierre, kiss me much lower!’ Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ‘PIERRE , WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?’ Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly, ‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
huumlaar Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Daddy Long Legs Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching. A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' 'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them dead. 'Well," she said, "that may be OK in New York, but we're not having any of that s**t in Texas" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Doesn't seem to work with ISPs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Good one Flash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khunsanuk Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hi, That does actually work, although I doubt it's because of Asians Sanuk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 A selection of jokes for you all. Maybe some of you won't like them but they are being put here as a laugh. My new abo neighbor popped his head over the fence today and said, “Hey bro, what’s going down?†I said, “The value of my fucking house you black prick!†One week later he pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.†I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit. He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!†____________________________________________________ Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!†____________________________________________________ Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.†He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!†____________________________________________________ What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home! ____________________________________________________ A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!†____________________________________________________ Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!†------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!†Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day. ____________________________________________________ Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. ____________________________________________________ My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.†I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!†____________________________________________________ I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?†Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly†wasn’t the right answer. ____________________________________________________ My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dexi Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Love it .....so un-PC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 * Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. * A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The s@x is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!" * I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." * My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Oxfam to get all of her clothes back. * The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 You have to admire the directness of age. Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob-job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!" "Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamokhamok Posted May 25, 2013 Report Share Posted May 25, 2013 Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield......... Because he said .... My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now