Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

 

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

 

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

 

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green "

 

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

 

The manager said, "Go ahead."

 

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar."

 

Mujibar now works at a call center.

 

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 4.3k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

On similar lines, but this is true.   MLG wants to send a small parcel to the USA from NZ. OK Wrap it and we're off to the post office. Post it in Mid December. No tracking, too expensive.   After

Posted Images

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"

 

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

 

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"

 

"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

 

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

 

"50 cents."

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

 

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

 

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

 

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

 

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

 

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

 

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

 

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

 

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

 

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

 

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

 

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

 

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

 

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

 

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

 

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

 

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

 

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

 

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

 

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

 

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

 

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

 

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

 

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

 

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

 

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

 

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

 

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

 

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

 

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

 

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

 

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

 

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

 

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY

BECOME DISORIENTED?

 

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.

Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 

 

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

 

 

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

 

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

 

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

 

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

 

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

 

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

 

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

 

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

 

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Bluenecks: Northerners (opposite of Rednecks)

 

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF...

 

 

- Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

 

- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

 

- You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY SPICY.

 

- You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road.

 

- You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

 

- You don't know what a moon pie is.

 

- You've never had an RC Cola.

 

- You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.

 

- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

 

- You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

 

- You have no idea what a polecat is.

 

- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

 

- You don't have bangs.

 

- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

 

- You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.

 

- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

 

- You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

 

- You don't have any caps in your closet that advertise feed stores.

 

- You don't know anyone with at least two first names (e.g. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Frances)

 

- You don't know any women with men's names (e.g.,Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

 

- None of your fur coats are homemade.

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland.

 

The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo o' coo's shite n pish.'

 

The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.'

 

The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer and then whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

 

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

 

When my business failed, you were there.

 

When I got shot, you were by my side.

 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

 

You know what?'

 

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

'I think you're bad luck, so fuck off!'

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

 

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

 

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

 

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

 

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

 

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

 

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked , 'How in the world did you guess?'

 

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison:

 

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

 

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?'

 

God said, 'For example .......... Thou shall not kill.'

 

The Arabs were shocked, 'What? Not kill? No way! Killing and massacring innocent people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence. No, we are not interested.'

 

So God went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

 

The Africans wanted an example.

 

God said, 'For example ........... Honour thy Father and Mother.'

 

The Africans were dismayed. They said, 'Father? Yo maan! Can't tell for sure who our fathers are, maan!'

 

So God went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

 

The Mexicans wanted an example.

 

God said, 'For example ........... Thou shall not steal.'

 

The Mexicans were flabbergasted. They said, 'No steal? No steal?? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh? Gracias, but no!'

 

So God went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

 

The French wanted an example.

 

God said, 'For example ........... Thou shall not commit adultery.'

 

The French were stunned. They said, 'What? Not commit ze adultery ....... ? Non, non, non. Non Monsieur. Pardonnez vous. We, ze French, must have ze romance.'

 

So God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'

 

The Jews asked, 'Commandments? How much do they cost?'

 

God replied, 'Nothing. They are free.'

 

The Jews answered, 'Good. We shall take Ten!'

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Paddy Has A Broken Leg

 

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

 

Mick says, "How you doin?"

 

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

 

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

 

They reply, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

 

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

 

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...