Any New Jokes

[unit731]

I don't get it. Oh, I do wish I had a sense of humor!

[Torneyboy]

They breed them tough down here

[Torneyboy]

A Scotsman took a girl for a taxi ride. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

[The_Munchmaster]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

 

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

 

He calls the number. The bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

 

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull dog.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then Iâ??m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this Baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to clamp his jaws on to the bears groin area and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for Me to put it in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 

What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[The_Munchmaster]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

 

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

 

While waiting they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven?

 

So when St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

 

The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months and while they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

 

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?"

 

Another month passed and St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."

 

"Great!" they said, "But we were also wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

 

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[Mekong]

Before Marriage......

 

Boy: Yes. At last! It was so hard to wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No! Don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course! Over and over!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: No! Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get!

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Are you crazy? I'm not that kind of person!

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

 

After marriage...simply read from bottom to top.

[sayjann]

2 good ones..........

[Torneyboy]

See!! These are fuuny ..don't have to lampoon us poor Aussies

[The_Munchmaster]

Aaaah, so you consider yourselves to be, "poor Aussies".

[Torneyboy]

No

 

And then there was the Scotsman who married a girl born on February 29 so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years.