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A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm sorry sir but I'm fresh out. However I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.

 

He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."

 

His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks if he needs any help. The guy sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file, but be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The guy thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

 

A few weeks later, the guy wanders into the hardware store and the owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports that the "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks, "Filed off too much beak did you?" To which the fellow replies "Nah, he was already dead when I took him out of the vise."

 

 

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'It was a Superior American Duck ... why don't you believe it '

 

i'm not that stupid.........where does he keep him Money?.

and don't tell me in his BILLFOLD..........

 

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Nautical Joke

This is the transcript of the actual conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995 - radio conversation released by Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95.

 

also on You tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvjQPHDu5xE

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China .. While

in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does

not use a condom all the time.

 

 

 

A week after arriving back home in the States,

 

he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with

bright green and purple freckles.

 

 

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

 

The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders

some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

 

 

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says

 

"I've got bad news for you.

 

You've contracted Mongolian VD.

 

It's very rare and almost unheard of here.

 

We know very little about it".

 

The man looks a little perplexed and says

 

"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc".

 

 

The doctor answer

 

"I'm sorry, there's no known cure

We're going to have to amputate your "tool".

 

 

The man screams in horror

 

"Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

 

 

 

 

The doctor replies

 

"Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but

surgery is your only choice".

 

 

 

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,

figuring that he'll

know more about the disease.

 

The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims

 

"Ah yes, Mongolian VD.

 

Vely lare disease".

 

The guy says to the doctor

 

"Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my

tool?"

 

 

 

 

 

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs

 

"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate.

 

They make more money that way.

 

No need to opelate!"

 

 

 

 

"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor

 

"You no worry!

 

Wait two weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

Dick fall off by itself! You save money.

 

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OK, since we are slagging Americans...

 

The U.N. has a meeting the main speaker starts with "excuse me folks, today we will discuss the proliferation of luxury goods in a free market of ideas and the effect it has on the rest of the world..."

 

The Chinese guy says "what is a free market idea?"

 

The Cambodian says "what is a luxury good?"

 

The German says "what is excuse me?"

 

and the American says "what is the rest of the world? and what does it have to do with me?"

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Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

 

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

 

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"

 

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An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.

 

As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.

 

When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.

 

The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"

 

The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"

 

The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"

 

The Canadian thinks "I canâ??t wait â??til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"

 

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