CTO Posted February 23, 2009 Report Share Posted February 23, 2009 THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PAR TS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU". "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE. "WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED..." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTO Posted February 23, 2009 Report Share Posted February 23, 2009 Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThaiHome Posted February 24, 2009 Report Share Posted February 24, 2009 A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, â??How much do you charge?â? Hooker replies, â??It starts at $500 for a hand-job.â? Guy says, â??$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!â? The hooker says, â??Do you see that Dennyâ??s on the corner?â? â??Yes.â? â??Do you see the Dennyâ??s about a block further down?â? â??Yes.â? â??And beyond that, do you see that third Dennyâ??s?â? â??Yes.â? â??Well,â? says the hooker, smiling invitingly, â??I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job thatâ??s worth $500.â? Guy says, â??What the hell? You only live once. Iâ??ll give it a try.â? They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, â??I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?â? The hooker replies, â??$1,500.â? I wouldnâ??t pay that for a blow-job!â? The hooker replies, â??Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job thatâ??s worth every cent of $1,500.â? The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, â??Sign me up.â? Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his moneyâ??s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, â??How much for some pussy?â? The hooker says, â??Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?â? â??Damn!â? the guy says, in awe, â??You own the whole city?â? â??No,â? the hooker replies, â??but I would if I had a pussy.â? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teddy Posted February 24, 2009 Report Share Posted February 24, 2009 I bought a racehorse today! I've decided to call him "My Face". I don't care if it never wins a race, or makes me any money. I just wanna hear thousands of those fuckin posh bitches at Ascot shouting "Come On My Face!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTO Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 from my friend in HH WASHINGTON POST'S MENSA INVITATIONAL .... (Jokes) Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition The winners: Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Th e bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Glibido : All talk and no action. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted March 6, 2009 Report Share Posted March 6, 2009 Dear employees, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme(Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.! Sincerely, The Management Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man at Work Posted March 6, 2009 Report Share Posted March 6, 2009 I bought a racehorse today! I've decided to call him "My Face". I don't care if it never wins a race, or makes me any money. I just wanna hear thousands of those fuckin posh bitches at Ascot shouting "Come On My Face!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perv Posted March 6, 2009 Report Share Posted March 6, 2009 I liked that one too.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torneyboy Posted March 7, 2009 Report Share Posted March 7, 2009 Good one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BelgianBoy Posted March 7, 2009 Report Share Posted March 7, 2009 At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too." A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too." Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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