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A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, â??Whatâ??s your IQ?â? The man replies â??150â? and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.


The customer is very impressed and thinks, â??This is really cool.â? He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, â??Whatâ??s your IQ?â? The man responds, â??about a 100.â? Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, cars, beer, guns, and breasts.


Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, â??Whatâ??s your IQ?â? The man replies, â??Er, 10, I think.â?Â


And the robot says real slowly ... â??So did you catch the Man utd game last night?â?Â


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The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow.


Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'


Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge so I am. This is gonny be a doddle!


Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. â??Donâ??t ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?


â??Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.


Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntlerioy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar? '


Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss; the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'


Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'


The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.


Teacher: 'Who said â??We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, and we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'


Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss'


Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'


Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'


Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'


The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.


Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'


Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'


Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front 'Yes Rupert.'


Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): 'Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing.'


Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'


Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming 'WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL THESE ENGLISH BASTARDS COME FROM?'


Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'


Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See ye on Tuesday Miss.'

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attr active for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


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4 Issaarn boys were sitting around, and discussing what they wanted in life...the first kid says "I want a truck like that one, the 4 wheel drive extended cab with all the extras..." the next kid says "I like the truck, but I am more a city guy, I like the BMW parked next to it" The 3rd kid says "Both are nice, but you can't sleep in a car or truck, I want the house they are parked in front of, it has 5 bed rooms, 3 full baths and a swimming pool and 12 rai of land!


The 4th kid is silent, and finally the others ask him what he wants. He says "I want big boobs and a mini skirt" and the other kids are shocked and say "WHAT?" He says "Yes, last year my sister got big boobs and a mini skirt and then some guy bought her the truck, another bought her the BMW, and another bought her the house...others buy her what ever she wants..."

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"There was a young man of Kildare

Who was fucking a girl on the stair.

The bannister broke,

But he doubled his stroke

And finished her off in mid-air."


"There was a young man of Khartoum

Who lured a poor girl to her doom.

He not only fucked her,

But buggered and sucked her --

And left her to pay for the room."


"There was a young woman named Alice,

Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.

They found her vagina,

In North Carolina,

And her asshole in Buckingham Palace."


"That naughty ol' Bishop of Birmingham

Buggered three maids while confirming 'em,

As they knelt seeking God,

He excited his rod,

And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em."


There once was a whore from McHugh

Who filled her vagina with glue

As she said with a grin

"They will pay to get in

and they"ll pay to get out of it too".


There once was a young man from Nantucket

Whose cock was soo long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped his chin

"If my ear was a cunt, I'd fuck it!"


There once was a lady from Wheeling

Who had a peculiar feeling

She laid on her back, and tickled her crack,

and pissed all over the ceiling.


There was a young lady from Leith,

Who would circumcise men with her teeth,

It wasn't for fame,

Or love of the game

But to get at the cheese underneath.


There was a young actress from Crewe,

Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,

The Bishop was quicker,

and thicker and slicker,

And two inches longer than you.


There was a young vampire called mable,

whose periods were always quite stable,

at every full moon

she took out a spoon,

and drank herself under the table.


There was a young plumber from Lee,

who was plumbing his girl with great glee,

she said stop your plumbing,

I think someones coming,

said the plumber still plumbing "its me"!



There was a young lassie from Morton,

who had one long tit and one short 'en,

on top of all that,

a great hairy twat,

and a fart like a six fifty Norton.


There was a young girl called Molly,

who fancied a bit in a quarry.

She laid on her back,

and opened her crack.

And the bastard backed in with a lorry.


There was a young man from Harrow,

who had one as big as a marrow.

He said to his tart,

try this for a start.

My balls are outside on a barrow.


There was a young girl from Devizes,

who had tits of different sizes.

One was quite small,

almost nothing at all.

But the other was big and won prizes.

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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money......



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