Any New Jokes

[Flashermac]

so, when is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident.....?

 

 

American and Aussie humour.

[The_Munchmaster]

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.

 

One is an Englishman, one a Scotsman and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations.

 

All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying; "Gentlemen, you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."

 

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.

 

"And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys."

 

The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.

 

"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."

 

With that the Scotsman raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

 

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well Sir, of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."

 

"That's a maybe", said the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is f**king English and I'm no taking a chance."

[The_Munchmaster]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.

They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

 

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

 

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

 

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days!"

 

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's jigsaw puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

 

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

[teddy]

There are some horrible bastards about. I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw 4 blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it.

I was just about to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.

[teddy]

Chinese pal of mine told me he had opened a crows shop.

I said surely you mean a clothes shop.

He said no.... come on in and have rook

[teddy]

What do men and women have in common?

 

Both need tissues after watching a good movie.

[teddy]

I just explained Google images to my mum.

 

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

 

'Except that.' I said.

[Flashermac]

[bust]

A primary school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read. “. ..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?†The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?†Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know I know.......Fuck me, a talking pigâ€

[BelgianBoy]

I have been wondering this for a while......how do you spell WET PAINT in braille ......?