Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.


He radios for backup.


"What's the situation?"


"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."


You can't say that over the radio, use proper police talk." replies the operator. "You have to use the politically correct terminology"


“OK" he says:




When I heard that joke he was doing the Foxtrot

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

A bloke walks into a doctor’s surgery looking a bit sheepish. The doctor asks him what the problem is and he explains that it’s a rather delicate matter to do with his back passage, which he finds difficult to talk about.


“I’ve been in this business for 24 yearsâ€, says the doctor. “There’s not much I haven’t seen so you’d save us both a lot of time if you just told me what is wrong with you.â€


“I think I’d find it a lot easier if I just showed youâ€, the man says, and proceeds to drop his trousers and bend over.


The sight of the guy’s arsehole renders the doctor speechless; it’s been torn to the size of a football and is badly bruised.


“Christ!†said the doctor, “What the hell happened to you?â€


“Wellâ€, the bloke replies, “I was on safari in Kenya and I was raped by a bull elephant.â€


The doctor considers this and says, “Well sir, my knowledge of veterinary science may be limited, but I thought elephants’ penises were long and thin.â€


“That’s right, doctorâ€, the guy agrees, “but he fingered me first!â€

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles,

traveling at a constant speed of 60mph, in the same forward direction with no obstacles,

at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.


She sent him a Thank you note by email.


Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.


The email said:




Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night.

It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke.

I loved its perfect size and grip.

Felt like I was in heaven when using it.

Thanks a lot



Moral: A space is an essential part of English grammar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.


The wife was a romantic and the husband more of a no-nonsense guy.


One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote the following:


If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.


The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...