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Actually, with a little effort, you can treat the period and hyphen keys ALMOST like an iambic paddle...


Hm. That's HORRIBLE thought: Use an Arduino to do paddle-to-text.


Many years ago, while in ICU, intubated, no ability to talk. Friends almost had to go get a straight key and code practice oscillator, before we could track down a pad and a pen. When they finally let me out of ICU, I had a stack of many pages of "conversation", in my handwriting, almost all of it perfectly lucid, most of it I have NO memory WHATSOEVER of writing.

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Apart from an early test at about age 14 I've never used a straight key, only an iambic paddle, and never a bug! Recall I had some code somewhere that would read transitions on one of the USB pins and generate both code and text.


Sadly I had a friend who some years ago suffered a heart attack with significant brain damage. Since he was a long time code guy we figured we might get some reaction, sadly his almost vegetative state took even that capability away.


Anywayyyyyyyy, all this gets away from it. THIS IS THE JOKE THREAD.


Somebody tell some funnies.

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An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.


He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.


He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.


He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.


One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'


The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'


Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'


Some old men can still think fast.

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This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of


a six year old is. They think so logically.




A teacher was reading the story of the Three


Little Pigs to her class. She came to the


part of the story where first pig was trying to


gather the building materials for his home.


She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with


the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon


me sir, but may I have some of that straw to


build my house?'


The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And

what do you think the man said?'


One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...


'I think the man would have said - 'Well, Fuck me!! A


talking pig!'


The teacher had to leave the room.

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A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers,
"Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®

database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says Sam.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Sam says to the young man,

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament",
says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct,"
says the yuppie,
"but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required."
answered Sam.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog".



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You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.



The store clerk called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor.


The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.


He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.


He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."


The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"


He replied, "No money in the bank."


Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."


The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."


The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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