Flashermac Posted September 9, 2014 Report Share Posted September 9, 2014 Yep, it's a blonde. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted September 10, 2014 Report Share Posted September 10, 2014 Time for some jokes again instead of all these silly pictures. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians. No nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove. …………………………….. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race related. …………………………….. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. …………………………….. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency. …………………………….. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him. …………………………….. Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary). …………………………….. Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook". …………………………….. Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker. …………………………….. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser! …………………………….. Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford. …………………………….. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam. …………………………….. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly. …………………………….. I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it! …………………………….. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,†she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.†The old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.â€Honey,†he said “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?†“That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coss Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 "If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing. Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish? --- Disclaimer - any references to race, arrived with the joke and are not endorsed by Coss 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coss Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints. --- I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door. Turns out there was no one there! --- I got woken up at four in the morning by a big black male burgling my house. I mistook the intruder for my gorgeous blonde girlfriend, so I accidently fucked him up the arse. --- Disclaimer - any references to race, arrived with the joke and are not endorsed by Coss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unit731 Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey... I could hardly push the stroller back home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 An Irishman pops into the local pet shop and says, "I'd like to buy a wasp please". The owner replies, "We dont sell wasps?" Irishman says, "But you've got one in the window". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted October 18, 2014 Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 The following is from the Washington Post Style Invitational contest that asked readers to submit "instructions" for something (anything), but written in the style of a famous person. The winning entry was The Hokey Pokey (as written by William Shakespeare), by Jef Brechlin of Potomac Falls, Maryland. O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe. Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe. Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke, A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke. Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about. — by "William Shakespeare" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Work is like a tree full of monkeys. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but arseholes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dexi Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Sounds like a " Pyramid scheme " .....surprising how popular these seem to be ( don`t know if its just an Isaan thing or country-wide ).There are several versions often involving dubious herbal remedies.The MO is always the same of course - new members have to be recruited which involves buying a starter pack with a small sample of the product.Then they have to recruit new members etc etc.Complicated plans set out the huge returns that are possible for new members if they are successfull.One I saw claims that a member in Khon Kaen bought a new Lamborghini with the profits ( with a pic as proof ).Amazing how some people still fall for this stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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