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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.


One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".


The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.


A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."


The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.


"Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."


Archie nods approvingly.


"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.


"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"


"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

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Sensible Observations



1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry


6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez


13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld


14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson


15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde


16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain


17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown


18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,

'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields



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