Any New Jokes

[Coss]

A man and a woman, both married but strangers to each other, were assigned to share a sleeping cabin on a transcontinental train.

Initially, they felt awkward and uncomfortable about the situation but eventually settled into their respective berths—he in the upper, she in the lower.

By 1:00 AM, neither of them could sleep, and they both knew it. Breaking the silence, the man said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but could you reach into the closet under your bed and grab me an extra blanket? I'm freezing up here."

The woman thought for a moment and then replied, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married."

The man, suddenly intrigued, responded eagerly, "That sounds great!"

"Good," she said. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of stunned silence, the man sighed, let out a big fart, and decided he didn't care.

[Mekong]

A Muslim living in London dies and by some handling error ends up in heaven.

He's stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. "Sorry, mate,“ says St Peter, “but we don't allow Muslims into Heaven.”

“What?” replies the Muslim, “and why not?”

“Well, we just don't!”

The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.

“Well,” says St Peter. “Have you ever done anything good in your life?“

“Ummm. “ the Muslim replies. “Yes, I have. Just the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children's charity so I gave her ten pounds. Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten pounds, too!“

“Alrighty then,“ says St Peter. “Wait here and I'll have a quick word with God.”

Five minutes later St Peter returns.

“Listen, I've spoken with God and he agrees with me . .. ..Here's your 30 quid back, now fuck off!!!”

[Coss]

[Coss]

[Mekong]

The remote control guy must be married to my wife’s sister, she is always wandering around the house with it and leaving is strange places, one time when she “Misplaced it” it was in the Salad drawer of the fridge.

Of course it’s always my fault if the remote can’t be found.

Mrs Where’s the remote

Kong I don’t know 

M You had it last

K Why would I have turned Thai News on

M Well you have hid it then

Same discussion at least 2-3 times a week

[Mekong]

I took my wife to be tested for Tourette’s Syndrome, but the test came back negative.
Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

[bust]

Love this T-shirt although the original had now as second last word.

[bust]

Trump was sitting in the Oval Office when in rushed an aide

 

"Mr president, there's been a bomb in Rio De Janeiro, 14 brazilian people are dead!"

 

"My god that's awful" said Trump, then paused and asked his aide "How many is a brazilian?"

[Coss]

 

 

 

 

 

[Coss]

I'd like to see a world without plagiarism,

you may say, I'm a dreamer,

but I'm not, the only one.
 

You see my friends, if I had a crystal ball, 

I'd sit down very carefully.
 

They say that putting mud on your face is good for your skin,

but I saw a sign that said sewage treatment works,

trust me, it doesn't.

I was on the train,

opposite there was a child screaming the whole time,

I could hear him through my Wolf mask,

people were getting annoyed,

so in the end, we both stopped howling.

I was sitting in traffic the other day,

and then I got run over.

My uncle was in the trenches in WW2,

bored one day, he invented the hi-viz jacket,

last thing he ever did.

When I was in America I really got into the culture,

I was in a shop and the guy said "have a nice day",

But I didn't, so I sued him.

On the phone, "you put it down",

"no you put it down",

"no you put it down",

"Listen, you're a qualified vet and it's an old dog".

Milton Jones